For the last few weeks I've been sliding into No-Man's Land. It's been gradual and I never had the energy to change things. I stopped being concerned for my health. I stopped caring about my future. I looked at my age, which is 72 and began to think this is it. I'm on the downhill slide and who cares? Logically I could live another 15 to 25 years but I stopped caring about how those years are lived. Living was just becoming too hard and I lost interest in doing it well. This sounds seriously like depression yet I didn't feel down or weepy. I had simply lost the will to live well.
I knew it was unhealthy but I did not have the will to change.
So what has changed?
A few months ago our daughter bought me some pills to try as I seemed to have symptoms of candida yeast overgrowth but wasn't getting anywhere with the medical fraternity and was struggling with keeping to the extremely strict diet recommended. It all seemed too hard. The tablets arrived and I thought they helped. Then I ran out and many of the symptoms came back. Was that confirmation that we had been on the right track?
The next batch of tablets arrived and I was away again, gradually feeling motivated once more. I ran out again and this time there was nearly a one month wait for the tablets. During this time I knew I was going backwards fast. I waited anxiously for our mail. I gave up on myself. it had all become too hard again. finally the tablets arrived. This time I have already ordered the next lot to ensure there will be no more gaps. We buy 120 at a time and the full dose is 4 tablets a day. John is taking them also. As yet we are not on the full dose so we should have the next lot in plenty of time. I think we will stay on them for at least 6 months before weaning ourselves off them but that's all in the future. In the meantime we will hopefully restore our health to the best it can be,
In the meantime I have steadily gained weight. Turning this around is not so easy but I'm beginning to do it. I began to feel a change in attitude after the first week of being back on the tablets. I finally got around to opening up my on line tracker where I keep most weight loss related stuff. I do not want to bog this journal down with boring weight loss stuff.
I am not changing things fast enough. Other times when I've gone through the dreaded ceiling I've pulled back quite quickly. This time, while my attitude is improving and I'm slowly getting back my mojo I haven't been able to make the immediate changes that pull my weight back quickly. I feel somewhat shocked when I look at my stats to see that I haven't recorded 100 kg since last November. All that wasted time. To see 100 kg is bad enough. To convert it to pounds, 220, is shocking me. I cannot keep on doing this to myself.
The longer I take the anti-candida tablets, Candida yeast Support, from here the more convinced I become that I was seriously depressed. I'm not out of the woods yet but certainly feel more motivated than for a long time. John and I have both completed 2 weeks of the tablets. Week one we took one tablet per day and bumped it up to two this last week. We can go to four tablets per day. I had planned to go to three starting today but we are both experiencing some negatives. For me it's stomach upsets with gripping pain and at least one urgent trip to the loo each day. John is finding that the post nasal drip is reduced although last night was quite bad, but he still feels lousy and doesn't look too good.
I'm also sleeping better. I was lucky to average 5 hours a night. I'm fairly certain, without any recording or doing the maths I'm now averaging 6 - 7 hours. That will make a huge difference. I knew the itchiness of my scalp and something like jock itch was upsetting my sleep patterns and in fact my whole life but I don't think I realised how much.
I remember thinking a few days ago this whole thing, weight gain and candida yeast problems reminds me of the frog placed in cold water which is heated gradually. The frog adjusts and becomes accustomed to the increasing temperature until it's too late. The frog dies slowly, cooked to death.
I think that explains where I have been perfectly except I have a different brain from a frog and I can make deductions and decisions based on experience, wisdom and knowledge. This has been a difficult time. I can make excuses but this is largely self inflicted. The evidence has been there for as long as I can remember but not always the knowledge. I've had the 'wisdom' but I was too uncertain of my own conclusions. I did not believe in myself, possibly because I didn't want to. To believe that candida yeast is a serious problem and hindrance to living my life well, meant following a fairly strict diet. I wanted a medical diagnosis and support from my Dr. I never got it. In fact at every turn the medical experts I've had access to have pretty much rubbished this theory and taken me down pathways that did not improve my health long term.
The Candida Yeast Support tablets have given me an option I have never had previously. I can continue to eat my regular food and somehow they are still killing off the excess yeasts. Slowly I am regaining the strength of mind required to live a healthy life. This does not come automatically to me.
I am reminded of how easily things, anything, slides into chaos if a semblance of order is not maintained. If we don't do housework the house soon becomes filthy. If we don't prune the shrubs, mow the lawn, weed the garden before long we live in an untidy, tangled wasteland. If we don't plan financially we end up in poverty. If we don't get any exercise we lose our muscle strength and balance. And so it goes on in every aspect of life. There is nowhere we can go to escape from the need to have some order in our lives.
I am reminded of the opening words in the King James the Bible.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
These last two quotes are from The Message.
Jeremiah wrote this confirming my idea that God brought order to what had been a chaotic mess.
I looked at the earth— it was back to pre-Genesis chaos and emptiness.
My personal prayer. This could have been written just for me at this time.
Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise.
I couldn't say it better. It seems a long time since I enjoyed singing and worshipping and dancing before my Lord. I don't read this modern version but I think it's time I took a closer look. There has been much criticism of this version but it speaks to me in plain language bringing me out of the fog.
If I've what I've written is truth you'll see me more often in Blogland again.
The sun is shining. It's freezing but I will go for a walk this afternoon.