Monday, 6 June 2011
STARTING OVER IS NOT EASY
I did get up and dressed and ready to walk. A shower came over so I had a cappuccino.
It's warm and humid. Not at all June, mid-winter, weather.
I walked about 45 minutes.... pathetic since my distance was barely a kilometre or 0.5 mile.
But I did it, huffing and puffing, my right leg aching mildly with possible sciatica and my shoulders grumbling in spite of taking pain relief first thing.
But I did it.
Kicking myself all the way for not maintaining past fitness levels. This is starting from scratch and it takes mental strength. The older body has no bounce back anymore. I have to work at this, reminding myself, every step, it can be done. There are people 20 years older than me who are fitter, healthier, stronger and all because they never let themselves go in the first place.
Some people do not consciously have to work at maintaining their health and fitness. Who are they? Is that just an envious perception I have?
Whatever other people do or do not do there is no point in comparisons. I am blessed with comparatively good health. There are also many my age and younger who do not have the choices I have. For various reasons they are already struggling with poor health and/or disability.
Time to stop beating myself up and feeling ashamed of my past. Poor choices, chaotic eating patterns, laziness, letting myself go to pot, struggling against fatigue syndrome, are all in the past. Maybe some of those things will overtake me again but I have the ability to modify the damage.
I felt a huge amount of shame as I walked out today. That was interesting because I don't think I've admitted it before. It's something I put a lid on. Shame is powerful. It makes me want to rush back indoors and hide my feebleness from others. I constantly remind myself that only the strong take a stand and walk when their body wants to climb into the recliner again..
I am terribly ashamed of my body, It's size, shape, flabbiness. I want to hide and not acknowledge this. For years I put on a happy face. It was part of pretending to others there is nothing wrong.
A lot of energy is used up covering shame. That energy can be better utilised being active.
This shame is a hangover from my childhood. Another thing that I thought was totally dealt with yet was not. Another layer of onion skin to peel away. Recovery from one's past can be such a frustrating business. Just as you think you've reached the sweet heart of life you find another layer to peel away. I've been on a 42 year journey of self discovery and improvement. I decided long ago there is no point going fishing inside myself, trying to dig up inner angst and motives. but sometimes, like today, there is a revelation. So much of my life has been lived in an effort to look good on the outside that the junk has become deeply buried. I've learned to wait patiently because God always brings it to the surface for me to recognise and deal with, but it's His timing.
You could say I've learned to fake it till I make it.
Looking good on the outside is not only striving to please others. It's a survival tactic. Had I worn shame on my sleeve I would have been totally crippled. By squishing it down until even I could not recognise it, I've been able to function. Imperfect is better than not at all.
Today I'm kicking shame right out of my life.
So what if I am unfit and waddle when I walk? So what if I'm so round I could be mistaken for a giant beach ball?
I am who I am and I am brave and courageous because I am unwilling to let the status quo continue. One day I will walk a marathon or similar. One day I will wear clothes as slinky as my age will let me get away with.
My One Day will come because I'm not ashamed to do the work to achieve it. It doesn't matter what other people see or think because it's all about how I think and what I do about it.
I selected a bunch of random photos just because I wanted to. Some were taken by others in our family.