I Am Not Broken Down,
Not Falling Apart,
Not worn Out,
Not Beyond Repair,
Not In Storage
Not Waiting For The End
I Am Living
I Am Growing
Ready Yo Unfurl
Ready To Stretch
Ready To Show Off
A New Form Of Beauty
I Am Discovering Who I Am
Discovering My Strength
Discovering My Abilities
I can't remember a time when I wasn't concerned about my weight, except perhaps when I was pre-teen. How ridiculous. To be concerned and still end up extremely obese for years.
Although this Blog is less than three years old, first post March 16th, 2008, it plainly shows my on again off again attitude to losing weight.
I am possibly 5 kg/11 lbs lighter than when I wrote that first post.
Two years ago I wrote that I was taking a fresh look at where I am going and discovered I was Learning To Manage My Weight.
In January 2010 I recommitted for the millionth times xyz. I'm not sure, but I think this is the first time I have persevered for 12 months in a row. It has been a far from perfect 12 months but I've Blogged more consistently, especially in my tracker where the gaps are not as huge as other times and I keep coming back even after a lapse. As I looked at where I was and what I was doing one year ago I wrote the following on January 2nd 2010.
What do I look forward to this year.The rest of the entry is here
1. Making a sensible attempt to reduce my weight and improve my health.
2. Managing our finances in a sustainable way.
3. Re-igniting my passion for God
4. Enjoying the life we have.
Blogging has given me access to many wonderful people, some more, much more, successful that I am. Others have struggled and many dropped out for whatever reason. There is a lot of wisdom and a lot of encouragement in Bloggieland. I'm glad I tapped into this resource to help me. A wonderful offshoot of this "obsession" are the friends I have discovered, people who will be friends for as long as I live, not to mention the RV community.
Weight loss Blog writers are the main reason I've been able to see the weight loss part of my life as a journey without end. Becoming a healthy weight, the working towards it and maintaining it, is now a permanent part of my life. My mind-set has changed from losing weight to enable me to live however I want. I now accept that I cannot live the life I want unless I am eating for optimum health and exercising for the rest of my life. The change is subtle. Simply said it means there is NO QUITTING.
I guess it says something for my commitment to weight loss that I'm still here.
In the last 12 months I have lost more than 10 kg/22 lbs. This is not extraordinary and I have a hard time seeing myself as successful with such pathetic numbers.
On the other hand I am proud of myself because I've kept on going even at times the going was in the wrong direction.
In the last three years I have survived through many things and last year, just when I was making steady progress, we had a very dramatic, stress filled May/June. The week we were supposed to be celebrating my mother's 95th Birthday a sister-in-law was killed in a car accident. I struggled for most of the remainder of the year. My weigh in record looks more like that of someone learning to maintain rather than someone who still had a ton to lose.
I made minuscule progress on all the things I saw as issues in our life. There was one thing I really needed to sort out. I needed come to terms with living where we are because it's not time to make a change. I've made some progress. I had to accept that we cannot return to USA in the foreseeable future. That was hard. I've had to accept that we may never return to USA. That was harder.
I had better explain the last bit about USA. We are a couple of Kiwis, born and bred, who discovered a love for The United States Of America when we travelled there in 2005. This was my first ever time outside New Zealand and while I love my home country I discovered a passion for North America which cannot be denied. Our dream is to spend 6 months in USA, the longest our NZ Superannuation will allow at a time, alternating with 2 or 3 months home with family. The plan was to repeat this sequence until we couldn't face another long flight, twelve hours from Auckland to San Francisco or Los Angeles.
I've had to come to terms with our age and that while we are still comparatively fit there are some things that may never be. This last has been an ongoing struggle from the day I turned 70 years old in June, 2009. It took me a long time to realise and accept that I was not happy being a 70 year old. I'd flown through every other decade with a positive outlook, knowing I could do anything I wanted to. Suddenly that no longer seemed possible and reality set in in a very negative form.
Adjusting to the life we have has been the main substance of the last twelve months. It's not over yet. The whole year was made much easier by an almost miraculous improvement in my mother's health. Who would have known that a woman aged 94 with serious heart problems would find her health improving? The problems remain but we think an adjustment in her medication has lead to a general improvement in her well-being. This has allowed us to breath more easily. Less stress is good.
I'm pleased that I've begun attending Church again. My attendance is spasmodic but finally I am coming to terms with not being able to be with my friends at my beloved Pauanui Church more than a few times a year. We left there at the end of 2004 so it's taking a while. Slowly, ever so slowly I am making progress toward a fired-up relationship with God. There is something exciting on the horizon whixh I will talk about a lot in the future.
FACING FACTS is not always easy. In the midst of feeling unwell this week I began to consider the meaning and purpose of knowing my BMI.
I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I consider what my BMI says about me. In the past I distanced myself from all knowledge about BMI except that some extremely fit and strong people do not conform to the accepted weight to BMI scale. It gave me an excuse to ignore the BMI scale.
I am learning to face some unpalatable truths. My BMI is 39.5. That's a number I've managed to avoid because I could tell myself I don't believe in the scale. Hmmm!
I am Severely Obese. At least I can be sure I am no longer Morbidly Obese. It's a little scary to face facts. I need to drop 10 points to become merely Over-Weight. That means a weight loss of 25 kg/55 lbs. Those numbers are somewhat large for me to handle right now.
My next major goal is to reduce my BMI to below 35. I can work with that. It's around 80 kg or 180 lbs. That still seems somewhat daunting but it's a goal. I need to lose less than 15 kg or about 30 pounds. I'm not putting a time on it because I know myself well enough now. It could take me 4 or 5 months or it could take me a whole year or more. However long it takes is immaterial to me now. The important thing is that I never give up working toward the goal.
I've still got that secret dream, which is not so secret, to wear my wedding dress again. It would be rather fun to dress up for our 50th Anniversary. It's only two years away.