Let's forget the damage for now. The best I can do is manage the rest of the week and all it's challenges without more weight gain.
Autumn in Otago
The rugged scenery of mountains and tussock, Clyde Dam near Cromwell, hills around Arrowtown are famous for their colours and snow in April at Oturehua.
The first day of Spring is only one week away. I'm ready.
Going back to River Day on Friday. I had gut ache most of the day. For several years I've had to be careful with my morning routine or I trigger severe gut pain. It doesn't seem to be anything sinister but it does sometimes double me up and slow me down. Nevertheless I had a great day with friends and was delighted to meet many new people. Most of the women who started River Day have moved away from the district and only come once or twice a year, if at all. Who can blame them? Driving our hilly, winding roads loses it's appeal as we grow older. Even the beautiful scenery does not seem to be enough.
The friends I stayed with are delightful and had only come home the previous day from a holiday in Brisbane. It is great that they have a downstairs self contained flat for visitors because I was able to do my own thing and leave them plenty of space as they are busy people. I was given a book called The Culture of Honor by Danny Silk, an Associate Pastor at Bethel Church in Redding, Ca. I wanted to read it right through because my friends were still reading it and I couldn't take it home. I must buy my own copy. I spent all of Saturday reading. So much to think about about, very healing too. If you want to be challenged spiritually find the books by Bill Johnson, Kris Vallotton and Danny Silk. They challenge your thinking and theology to such a degree that you really do begin to experience the renewal of your mind that Paul writes about in Romans 12:2.
Another good thing happened. While I was driving I began to ponder on my speaking engagement at River Day in Tauranga next month. I have been in a panic about it which is unlike me. I am usually confident that I can deliver the goods but this time I have known I was not in a good space with God, and incapable of ministering. Several times in the last couple of weeks I've come close to calling the leader of this group and telling her I'm unable to speak/minister but I've held off. Suddenly I knew what it is I am to teach/speak on. It's all to do with Joy and Suffering. I'm still working out how it will come together. I need to do more Bible Study and write, journalling as I go. It seems that the emphasis will be on Joy in the midst of pain. For the first time in what seems like years I feel like reading and studying my Bible. That's very big.
Sunday I went to Church in Pauanui. I still consider this my home Church but I don't get there very often now that we live so far away. Again it was a good time. I had coffee with friends who come from Whangamata, the opposite direction from us so it's always good to catch up with them at Church. I was much later getting home than I planned. Somehow I lost an hour and talked much longer here and there than I realised. I was about 3 hours later picking TWJ up from Mum's than I'd told him. I don't know why I always underestimate how long I will be. Maybe it's because I feel guilty about leaving him and so try to compensate by pretending I will be back ASAP.
It's not easy coming home, away from all my special friends. I'm always so torn. Home and TWJ or friends. Not fair that I have to choose. I keep telling myself that it's time to get and and make a social life here, where we live but that's easier said than done. I keep telling myself to get involved in the Whitianga Church where I have many friends but it's not the same. I think these mixed up feelings have a lot to do with my desire to travel with TWJ. I think of this place as home now but I haven't done much about living here as permanent residents.
When we did our first long trip in the Old Purple Bus I totally lost the plot six weeks into our trip. I missed my Church and friends and Pauanui. This was something I had not expected and caught me on the raw. It caused us a lot of pain and my reaction shocked both myself and TWJ. I don't suffer the same 'homesickness' for them now but they are irreplaceable. Here I am after nearly five years away from Pauanui, still sruggling to move on, make new relationships and lead a full life. I understand why it's taking me so long and why I find it so difficult. I don't have the resilience I once had. I'm not as stretchy emotionally as I used to be. It takes a lot of willingness and strength to change one's attitude. It also takes time. I'm getting there and one of the decisions I made over the weekend was to become more involved in the Whitianga Church. This isn't easy because I live 30 minutes drive over those narrow, winding roads and I've been avoiding the drive this last year or so, only going out when I must. This has to change.
I'm hoping that once I get involved again I can find a way to initiate some kind of fellowship right here at Matarangi. Time will tell.
I have a lot more to write about but that's another post. Maybe over the weekend because tomorrow we leave early for three days away. First I need to be at Mum's to give her breakfast and see she is set for the morning until my sister arrives. Then we go to Thames and pick up our daughter, Jay, who has a Work-Shop right in the middle of her week off, and drive on to Rotorua where we stay for 2 nights. On Friday we return via Tauranga and I expect that to be a long day. We will be seeing our lawyer there and discussing the feasibility of withdrawing some of my investment in the Family Trust. My hopes are not high because it is complicated. There are too many people involved and we can't do anything to simplify it while Mum lives. It's worth asking questions and I can but hope. It is likely that I will have to pay interest as the only way to get my money will be to set up a mortgage and I cannot imagine the rest of the family being willing to pay their legal share of the interest. It will come down to how much I want to do this and whether the cost is worth it. All this because decisions made 10 years ago are not in our interest now and and time is running out for us to follow our USA dream.
I hope I'm ready to handle disappointment because I don't have much hope that this can be worked out.