Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I came so close to losing altogether today.

Over dramatic words. Not for me.

For 45 minutes it was as though I lost all sanity.
I broke all my own rules about internet safety and got sucked into something that could have been a scam.
I was so forceful, so determined.
TWJ handed over our credit card even though he was very unhappy and not quiet about letting me know how he felt.
He did try to stop me but I was unstoppable.
Short of hog-tying me he had no show.

One second after it was too late I began to come to my senses.
I checked and checked, and became increasingly uneasy.
I tried to stop payment.
Too late.

I felt sick, ashamed, stupid.
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I wanted to hide in a deep, dark hole.

There was no hole.
I had to pull myself together enough to go into town then to Mum's for lunch.
I tried very hard to continue to live while feeling that I was the stupidest person on earth.

I bought something for Mum's lunch and I bought a large size packet of Nestle cappuccino sachets for me.
I was determined to stay Gluten Free but oh how I wanted bread.
A big, fat, juicy, meaty, hot pie would have been nice to.
I felt too sick to eat but I knew I had to eat something.
Danger time!!!!!
Eat for health or eat for comfort or yield to the 'I want to die, not eat,' feeling.
The SuperMarket had a style of GF loaf that seemed a little softer than the last one I tried.
I bought a slice of ham and a small scoop of coleslaw from the deli section.
I bought some almonds, brazil nuts and dried Otago apricots.
I bought 4 pieces of ginger chocolate to share with TWJ.
I avoided the stuff that would throw me badly off track.

The bread was OK and a plus is that it doesn't seem to work so well with slatherings of butter.
Mum was well so I came home mid-afternoon.
I was trying to process my feelings so that I could live.
Finally the tears flowed.
Not many but enough to break the damn of shame.
Finally I said out loud how sorry I am for being so stubborn and stupid.

Meantime TWJ had plodded away on-line searching, searching and decided it was a legitimate promotion even if it was one we didn't need but maybe we will benefit from it sometime in the future.

I'm still full of 'ifs.'
Would I have continued if I'd had time to pull up the website and search for scams?
If I'd paused for long enough to think with any sanity I'd have ended things before it was too late.

'Ifs' are useless.

Curiosity has cost us.
I learned a serious lesson about the danger of temptation.
It's all there in the Bible in Proverbs 3.
Temptation in the form of a glitzy pop-up caught my eye.
Instead of turning away, getting rid of it without even bothering to read it I paused.
I paused too long.
I walked right in and I was hooked.
Thus began a chain of events which I could have stopped at any time during the first 35-45 minutes.
Instead I let myself be sucked in,
Minute by minute,
Deeper and deeper.
The damage is done and I have to live with it.

It was a very stupid thing to do but hopefully no lasting harm.
What stung me most was not the loss of money although it was many times more than we can afford and that hurts, but the stupidity of letting myself get sucked into a dodgy sales promo.

The amazing thing is that somehow by late afternoon I had climbed out of the dark hole of shame and lifted out of the depression which was threatening to swallow me.
Now I can live.
I can hold my head up and face the world again.

Knowing there is a price to pay,
Unpleasant consequences,
Knowing recovery is possible
And will be accomplished.

Chastened but not destroyed.

And I have forgotten the chocolate treat waiting in the pantry.
I don't 'need' it but I will enjoy it.


Rettakat said...

Wow... what a lesson this is for all of us! What struck me was when you said you "paused".

And that was the open door. I thought of all times that I have messed up (like last night!). And it was in that "pause", where I wavered and even considered it. That is what usually does me in. I pause... and in that pause, I have opened the door, and made it a thousand times harder to have a good outcome.

I am happy that you have come out the other end of this not destroyed... "knowing recovery is possible." God's tender grace is a wonderful thing!!


Kate said...

oh margieanne !! i sat here cringing as you mentioned that hubby handed over the credit card, and also that it was a pop-up, but these are mistakes anyone could easily make, and probably the decision to do it was made when you weren't in the right frame of mind. it would be interesting to hear how your day, diet, emotions etc were leading up to when you got on the computer. .. chin up darl you will over come this :) xox

Sasha said...

Hi and thanks for visiting my blog recently and for your lovely comment! I hope you're feeling better soon. Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. :)

Lynda said...

You beat yourself up far too much about food. You should just eat what you enjoy and relax :) Maybe cutting gluton altogether is not a great idea if there is no medical reason?? Certainly try to keep white carbs away (flour and sugar) but other than than... enjoy !!

Chris H said...

Try not to feel too bad about this, I think most of us have made rash decisions re: spending... but hey, you only live once and we all make mistakes!

Trisaratops said...

Oh MargieAnne! I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm so glad that you've come through to the other side and are not embarrassed anymore!