Wednesday, 18 August 2010


I came so close to losing altogether today.

Over dramatic words. Not for me.

For 45 minutes it was as though I lost all sanity.
I broke all my own rules about internet safety and got sucked into something that could have been a scam.
I was so forceful, so determined.
TWJ handed over our credit card even though he was very unhappy and not quiet about letting me know how he felt.
He did try to stop me but I was unstoppable.
Short of hog-tying me he had no show.

One second after it was too late I began to come to my senses.
I checked and checked, and became increasingly uneasy.
I tried to stop payment.
Too late.

I felt sick, ashamed, stupid.
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I wanted to hide in a deep, dark hole.

There was no hole.
I had to pull myself together enough to go into town then to Mum's for lunch.
I tried very hard to continue to live while feeling that I was the stupidest person on earth.

I bought something for Mum's lunch and I bought a large size packet of Nestle cappuccino sachets for me.
I was determined to stay Gluten Free but oh how I wanted bread.
A big, fat, juicy, meaty, hot pie would have been nice to.
I felt too sick to eat but I knew I had to eat something.
Danger time!!!!!
Eat for health or eat for comfort or yield to the 'I want to die, not eat,' feeling.
The SuperMarket had a style of GF loaf that seemed a little softer than the last one I tried.
I bought a slice of ham and a small scoop of coleslaw from the deli section.
I bought some almonds, brazil nuts and dried Otago apricots.
I bought 4 pieces of ginger chocolate to share with TWJ.
I avoided the stuff that would throw me badly off track.

The bread was OK and a plus is that it doesn't seem to work so well with slatherings of butter.
Mum was well so I came home mid-afternoon.
I was trying to process my feelings so that I could live.
Finally the tears flowed.
Not many but enough to break the damn of shame.
Finally I said out loud how sorry I am for being so stubborn and stupid.

Meantime TWJ had plodded away on-line searching, searching and decided it was a legitimate promotion even if it was one we didn't need but maybe we will benefit from it sometime in the future.

I'm still full of 'ifs.'
Would I have continued if I'd had time to pull up the website and search for scams?
If I'd paused for long enough to think with any sanity I'd have ended things before it was too late.

'Ifs' are useless.

Curiosity has cost us.
I learned a serious lesson about the danger of temptation.
It's all there in the Bible in Proverbs 3.
Temptation in the form of a glitzy pop-up caught my eye.
Instead of turning away, getting rid of it without even bothering to read it I paused.
I paused too long.
I walked right in and I was hooked.
Thus began a chain of events which I could have stopped at any time during the first 35-45 minutes.
Instead I let myself be sucked in,
Minute by minute,
Deeper and deeper.
The damage is done and I have to live with it.

It was a very stupid thing to do but hopefully no lasting harm.
What stung me most was not the loss of money although it was many times more than we can afford and that hurts, but the stupidity of letting myself get sucked into a dodgy sales promo.

The amazing thing is that somehow by late afternoon I had climbed out of the dark hole of shame and lifted out of the depression which was threatening to swallow me.
Now I can live.
I can hold my head up and face the world again.

Knowing there is a price to pay,
Unpleasant consequences,
Knowing recovery is possible
And will be accomplished.

Chastened but not destroyed.

And I have forgotten the chocolate treat waiting in the pantry.
I don't 'need' it but I will enjoy it.
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