Friday, 2 July 2010


Some random photos taken on our March trip to Christchurch to give you something more interesting than my moany Blog.

Gthsemane Gardens. The Bridal Walk leads to this Lovely Church of Timber Trelliswork

Beautifully Restored Vintage car at the Christchurch Car Club Rally

Cutey pie car seen outside a Hotel in the Centre of the City

Stunning mosaic statuary at The Giant's House in Lyttleton

Long Live the King and Queen

Yesterday I lost the plot and paid the price. Today I am staying home. TWJ will pop in to see Mum this afternoon and hopefully that will be it until next week.

Have I ever moaned that Mum's house is a minefield for me.

I do try to prepare myself but all to often I lose the plot when I am there. I have really tried to improve my attitude, my resolve and be disciplined and sometimes I even pray for help but all to no good result yesterday. The previous day I'd bought Mum some raspberry buns. Soft bready things covered in sticky pink frosting with a little raspberry jam in the middle. They are best slightly warmed and slathered with butter. I'm not supposed to be eating them.

1. they are not gluten free.
2. they are high carbohydrate
3. they are already higher calorie than I need and I add loads of butter.
4. they are addictive for me.
5. they were Mum's, not mine so now I have to buy her more of the evil things.
6. they are off my menu and have no nutritional value from my point of view.
7. they are not worthy.

The end result was a craving for all things bread loaded with butter. Grrrr. At least today I can undo the damage and start afresh.

There was also something else going on in my inner, messed up sanctum yesterday. Mum has written to our lawyer about releasing some of my investment in the family trust. To follow our dream to live in USA for a period we need this cash made available but it's complicated during Mum's lifetime. After that it's more complicated because we need to have all of the trustees working for us. For some reason I suddenly had this great big sinking feeling in my stomach that it's not going to work. I am thankful that Mum has written because I really wasn't sure if she would. I've been hoping that her recent grumpiness had nothing to do with my request making her feel vulnerable. We need to have the lawyers wisdom on this to know whether to drop the idea or continue running with our dream.

All this was eating away at my insides more than it should. Finally I went to bed feeling really tired and sleepy but my brain picked up on this and wouldn't let go. I began to feel some panic and very negative feelings took over. It was most unpleasant. Talk about stinking thinking. What a battle it became.

I knew the attack of anxiety was partly the result of eating all that gluten loaded food over the last two days. It really affects my brain more than the physical although that's there too. This morning I awoke feeling heavy and slightly crampy in my gut. I also have more muscle pain and general muscle tenderness than usual.

I could say, 'When will I learn?' But I do know the cause of the problem and I do know the solution so it's not a matter of head knowledge. It's all about discipline and choices. As long as I think I can get away with the odd slip and as long as it isn't life threatening, I will continue to take risks with my day to day well-being. How stupid is this? I'm not doing myself any favours. It's not a case of education, it's a case of learning how to practice the necessary discipline and being willing to apply the knowledge I have.

The best thing I can do today is stay away from anything with gluten and starchy foods. I need to get my brain back on track. I can make all the most brilliant decisions, I can sound as though I have it all sorted out, I can even fool myself that I am going to follow my plan but ........ if my brain is not in the right place I will fail.

This journey to better health, fitness and weight loss is such a head game. Today I am semi-resting from decision making but I will make it a good day and give my overworked brain a chance to become rational once more.

And as if that isn't enough ... I have some frustrating tech problems. We pay a fairly decent price for mobile wireless internet service and for the last week or more it has been dropping out at random. This is maddening if it happens just as I'm ready to post or check/edit as right now. I run the risk of losing most of what I've written unless I remember to go through the clumsy process of copying and saving to Office Writer and turning off my laptop then restarting and hopefully getting full service again. I'm beginning to think my T stick is faulty. I've contacted Telecom and it would appear the problem is more my end than theirs. Bother! So much easier to blame Telecom and rant and rave about their service.

I have just removed the Sim Card wiped it and replaced it and all is sweet, but for how long? I am not so very patient with this high tech stuff.

I really must stop this moaning and get on with other things.
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