Sunday, July 11, 2010
FACING SOME FACTS
I'm not in a good place. Nothing serious but there are a few indicators that things are not right with me.
1. I have not been posting.
2. I have not updated my tracker.
3. I have been playing solitaire (the brainless game on the laptop)
4. I forgot to weigh this morning.
5. I didn't weigh yesterday because I know I've gained weight.
6. Ostrich Syndrome has kicked in. ... what I don't know won't hurt.
7. I haven't been sleeping.
8. I've been eating too much bread and other stuff that does me no good.
9. I haven't wanted to leave the house.
10. I want to curl up in a ball and let the world go by.
11. I want to throw a huge tantrum just like the spoilt child I am.
12. I haven't the energy to do the tantrum justice.
I think there is enough on my list to make a diagnosis.
Frustration is turning into anger, bitterness and depression.
I have come back because I know I must before I give up entirely and that is NOT AN OPTION.
For several years now I have been saying I want to go back to North America and live there for a period of 2 or 3 years coming home at regular intervals to renew our right to NZ Superannuation and see family.
The years are sliding by and the dream is becoming harder to believe in. I HATE letting go dreams but I think this is going to be the case.
Fulfilling the dream is completely dependent on liberating some capital investment. It is complicated whatever way we go. It is beginning to look unlikely that we can do this in the foreseeable future.
I know anything can change overnight. But I cannot live life as though this will happen.
It's no better than living life from lotto ticket to lotto ticket. Just so you know, we don't bother with lotto tickets, except on very rare occasions, but I can imagine what it is like to dream about becoming a millionaire overnight.
It's not fair that we are caught up in this situation. Decisions were made years ago, some by others, some by me/us and I cannot change the past and how it affects me now.
I can change how I think about it and my attitude.
I'm not sure I want to change but the alternative of becoming embittered is not acceptable.
We still have a few irons in the fire so to speak. We are emailing with a couple who seem wiling to make a house exchange, maybe for 6 months maybe next October. This might work for us but it is not quite how we wanted it to be. I can make a compromise and who knows it could work out better than our dream of being in a RV.
It all seems so silly to get upset over. We have a reasonably comfortable life here. Sometimes I wonder why I even want to put ourselves through the stress of planning, re-arranging our lives, arranging visas, insurance etc and travel let alone the financial demands. We can travel in NZ and deal with our wanderlust from home. But this has become an important dream.
I no longer have the energy to move mountains. That's God's job.
Back to what is.
My heart cries out for freedom,
My heart longs to know peace,
I want to lay down all the things that make me restless,
I want to live today as it is, to the best of my ability.
I want to live well,
I don't want to live with regrets,
I don't want to face another lost dream,
I don't want to live with disappointment.
Is there an answer?
My God says there is.
Look first to His Kingdom,
Look into His eyes,
Look upon His face,
Find truth in Him and Him alone.
He is peace.
Stir up The spirit of peace within and you will find joy,
The joy of Kingdom living is my strength.
Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be given unto you.
Does that mean dreams restored,
It means peace and joy,
Restoration of faith
Inner confidence that all is well.
God's plan is a plan for good and not evil.
Today I will seek my God.
Today I will find comfort in my God.
Today I will set aside all dreams and plans.
My God has my best interests at heart
And if He says wait,
Wait it is.
I will praise Him for He is good.
I will praise Him because he is perfect.
I will praise Him because he is God.
I was pondering some disturbing news about a friend and realised that she has to make her own decisions based on where she is with her God and her family. Whatever I think about her decision and how I would have handled it doesn't make my way right. I've made choices along the way that mean we are where we are right now. It's not always easy but for me they have been the right decisions. I'm not sure that I would have changed any of them considering the circumstances in which each decision was made. Hindsight can be a dangerous thing especially when you begin to apply current experience and knowledge to past decisions. We all do our best in the moment and that is acceptable and good. Beating up on the past doesn't change the present.
I can only live one day, one hour, one moment at a time. It is my responsibility to make the moment well lived.
For that reason I am here making an effort to pull myself up into living an acceptable life, even the best life possible. I could have said I should be at Church, being Sunday, but Church will be over long before I get there so today is between me and my God.
It's been good to write this down.