Friday, June 25, 2010


TODAY 12 months ago

We walked around a river park at Salem, OR and photographed this beautiful Carousel through the window since they were not yet open for visitors. Then we went to Silver Falls where I had planned a walk many months previous but our tight budget had me baulking at the parking fees. This was the day I got up close to some wild deer which were grazing beside the road and marvelled at the enormous flower baskets, filled with petunias, hanging everywhere. Oregon is a beautiful state and I want to go back.

Yes, it is seven whole days and although I've kept tracking, sort of, I haven't written in this journal. Today I am admitting to being lazy about drinking enough water and consumption of carbohydrates. In particular I have eaten bread, butter, muffins, sausage rolls and more bread. Looking back it doesn't seem too awful but the scales have another story and show a 2.5 kg gain. I have no-one to blame except myself for taking a mental holiday from eating the best way for me.

Today I'm staying home and I promise myself I will eat no bread.

Last Friday we had a wonderful day and as usual a brilliant speaker. Carol spoke on a subject usually avoided in Pentecostal circles. Suffering. Carol and her family have been through the mill, partly the result of the reactions of their children to the deaths of close family. Their daughter became rebellious and pregnant at 14 and the baby was adopted in what was intended to be an open adoption but became messy and their son committed suicide a couple of years ago after being blamed for an incident at school in which he was the innocent, and this after the staff had been warned over and over he was emotionally vulnerable. That's the very abbreviated version of the limited edition we received. The theme through it all was Romans 8:28. I have copied from the Amplified Version of the Bible.

We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness].

I identified strongly as these words were/are a part of my survival kit.

I was extremely tired and somewhat stressed when I finally got home, which was late as we had tea at Mum's. I didn't fully realise the extent of my tiredness and stress so it kept rolling over day to day and so the damage was done. River Day stirred up old stuff which while dealt with is still painful. On top of that I had a rough trip home with my friend who had become like a crazy woman on speed. It was quite scary. I've seen her do this before. She becomes over excited and gets sooo high, not a good combination on our narrow winding roads. It might have been funny except I was tired and the passenger.

I did have 2 easy days over Saturday and Sunday then we went out again on Monday and visited friends. Another lovely day but I made it an excuse to eat more bread and I haven't stopped. Yesterday at Mum's I just became so rebellious against the whole idea that certain foods do me no good and ate and ate.

I've dealt with one thing that has been causing me a lot of stress but it's only the beginning and there will be a lot more to come so I really must get my eating right or I'll never cope.

Regarding our finances and our desire to spend an extended time in USA I needed to discuss 'liberating' some of my money which is tied up in a family trust. After discussing this with our lawyer I knew that nothing more could be done without discussing it with Mum. I always have difficulties talking anything money with her. She is so in control of the purse strings. It sounds ridiculous for a woman of my age still being controlled by their mother but these things can happen and in my case it has. What I agreed to 10 years ago now is now inappropriate and looks like a bad decision and cannot be redressed without Mum becoming involved. Surprise!!!! Mum handled it well and didn't feel threatened. For that I am so thankful. Now I wait as I have left the next step, contacting her lawyer, to her. I have placed her back in control. I did this deliberately as without her co-operation the whole thing falls over.

My task was made easier after TWJ went to the Dr.and has a couple of health issues, both of which carry serious consequences. One, mildly elevated cholesterol, presumably the dangerous one, involves some minor lifestyle changes while the other means a lengthy wait to see a specialist. Considering his age and family history there is reason for concern. Mum recognised that we should not delay our dream more than can be helped.

Meantime we continue to research the ins and outs of extended visas, what we are allowed to do and continue receiving our NZ Superannuation, what RV to purchase and so on. There will be many decisions should we be free to follow this dream and each one is critical to the success. I think I'm a little weary of it all because suddenly all I see are road blocks. Strangely as I have become a little less enthusiastic TWJ has become more so and done some serious research. In the beginning he was the one who kept trying to pull me back, telling me it was impossible and we would never find a way.

I guess it's a simple waiting game until Mum gets a reply from her lawyer. If we are stalled at this point we will have to forget the whole idea as long as Mum lives. And maybe that's why I'm a little stressed. So much rides on what Mum writes and how the lawyer responds. I'm an impatient person. I am also not altogether trusting my mother. Will she write? What will she write? How will she interpret the response?

I keep having to remind myself that this is a bold step for us. If it is God's plan for us to return to the USA and live there for an extended period the way will be smoothed.


Hippygal said...

Hope it all works out for you...and you get to go to the USA sooner rather than later.

Rettakat said...

I think waiting is the hardest thing... especially having to wait for someone ELSE to act. I hope it all works out for you.

I've lived here in Southern Oregon for 34 years, and it is still fresh and beautiful to me. My hubby is a photographer, and Silver Falls is one of his favorite places. I posted photos from there a couple of months ago that he took this year. I hope you get to come back!

Kate said...

i hope you get your dream of living over there for awhile realised margieanne. but as you said, if its not meant to be then you just need to hold on as long as you can til the timing is right.

fingers crossed for your hubby, i know he must be concerned especially after what happened to his father. xox