Saturday, 5 June 2010


A very big Thank-you to everyone who has left me a comment. Every comment is precious and I'm sorry I've been neglecting to leave any messages on your posts lately. Time is a factor but so is motivation. I've been feeling somewhat Blaaah! I'm not in a very good place regarding my weight loss, health and fitness efforts. I need to stir myself up to do things with some enthusiasm and purpose.

This last week almost undid me completely. I really wanted to forget the whole thing. I'm not making the progress I think I should be making. I've got really lazy about exercise. Although I've developed a reasonably healthy and sustainable eating plan/diet, I've become too casual about it. I've lost my focus. I'm not living my life with a purpose. Knowing that people are finding what I write worth reading and commenting on is all that brought me back to write another post.

It doesn't surprise me that I'm struggling. May turned into a month I would be happy to forget. Now it seems that Mum's health has deteriorated again. I'm hoping it is something temporary but who knows. To be 95 years old with seriously high blood pressure, an enlarged heart and angina means anything can happen. Medication that works well for months on end suddenly ceases to do the job well or Mum begins to react negatively to it. We are wondering if that is happening now. I noticed she looked very yellow yesterday. We are wondering how many options the doctors have. Medication is all that has kept her alive and reasonably well for the last few years. We are blessed to have circumstances that enable us to keep her in her own home with it's wonderful views. But it all comes with a cost to our personal freedom. I also find it very stressful when she is un-well. There are extra demands on us too at those times. I won't be sorry when this season of our lives is over. I will miss Mum but not the constant anxiety. It doesn't make a lot of difference how much I accept things as they are there is always the background awareness that we are waiting for the inevitable. It doesn't help that the inevitable could be 5 years away. Five years in this situation does not bare thinking about.

I can only live one day at a time.

Today is a resting day. I do need to go outside for some fresh air and there is no excuse. The sun is shining although not for long according to the weather forecast.

I need to get a grip. I need to get fresh focus. I need to go for a walk. I need to look after ME. Actually I'm very good at the last, just not very good at doing it wisely.

I think this 'low mood' is because I set myself a goal. I so wanted to be below 98 kg by the 1st of June. I've given myself and extra week and I'm still not going to achieve it. I'm cross with self for not making more of an effort. I've waffled around for a whole month. It wasn't an easy month but neither was I asking too much of myself. I simply wasn't working at it as well as I could have. I let distractions, and there were plenty, de-rail me, undermine my plans too many times.

The best thing I can do is accept the weight I am, knowing I have lost some weight this year, and allow myself to move on. I can wallow or I can climb out of the bog I'm stuck in and get on with living again. That's not a bad analogy. I'm not stuck in the middle of the bog. The firm ground is within reach. It's not always easy to climb out of a bog, especially if the edges are a bit tricky. I might have to crawl out on hands and knees but all it takes is the will to get back onto firm soil again.

I think I'll give myself today to rest and plan and prepare for my next step back to living my healthy life.

I will not quit. This is FOREVER


Anonymous said...

Fall down 9 times get up 10.

Never give up!!!

Rettakat said...

It IS hard to take time to focus and put our own health first when someone else needs our care. I've been there, when I cared for my own Mom, though it doesn't even remotely compare to how long you've been faithfully at it.

Yes... this is forever. I know you will bounce back, one day at a time.

Chris H said...

I think you and your husband are amazingly wonderful people to be taking such good and loving care of your Mum... you will get your reward one day mate. What goes around comes around. {{{HUGS}}}