I could fall into despair if my whole life revolved around my weight. I have checked back to see what I weighed before we had our trip to USA. I remember trying to get my weight down, greater comfort in the plane, and some walking fitness before we left in June 2009. I'm probably lighter today by a couple of kilograms but I'm definitely not fitter.
A whole year of hanging around between 99 kg and 106 kg, or more. (218 lbs/234lbs). It seems ridiculous to have semi-stalled for so long but there has been a whole lot of living going on and a few changes to the way I think and approach weight loss. I have finally accepted that this is Forever. Living a healthy lifestyle is Forever. I am still coming to terms with learning to centre all my eating on proteins, vegetables and fruit. I do find it very difficult accepting that starch from grains does my health and well being no good. I am learning that starchy foods must become occasional treats and always in small quantity.
I'm not as active as I should be. I keep hoping that it will become easier as I lose more weight. I set myself a goal to get up and do something three times this week and I've done nothing with only today and tomorrow left. No excuses except for the last 3 days which involved being at Mum's, shopping and gardening. Adding exercise into that mix does not seem to happen at present. We have had some gorgeous days so I'm very disappointed in myself. I can still get out today and I will. That's a promise to me.
I'm learning to express how I feel about myself and learning to accept my feelings of pride in my achievements. I've been somewhat self-deprecating in the past, tossing off my achievements as nothing special. I suspect this was a left over from living under the "Can Do Better" cloud. Even when I felt proud of what I'd done there would be this horrible witch whispering in my ear ... 'Why get excited when you can do better.' This was reinforced by all my school teachers and frequently by my Mother. A symbol of this new freedom has been my willingness to put up bling, HYC pounds lost buttons. Look for my new 15 lbs lost button. Yahoo!
I'm also learning to come free of the typical Kiwi attitude of putting oneself down. I'm learning to stand up for who I am inside of me. I'm learning a new respect and appreciation of me. I'm sure this is partly because of my exposure to so much American through our travels and this Blog. I don't think I'm expressing this well. I'll have to visit my American friend and get her to put it into words for me. It's ingrained into us from the moment we are born that we are nothing special. Loved, 'Yes,' but 'nothing special, so don't ever get too big for your boots.' Praise from parents and teachers is a rarity. Thank goodness our culture is changing. I'd already come a long way in this area after becoming a Christian and learning to see myself as God sees me. It's turning into a whole new journey taking this into everyday life with people. Making the spiritual practical. I've done so much of my living in my head and my heart, now I'm learning to live it.
OK I don't know how much sense this makes so I'm going to stop thinking for a while and get on with my day.