Thursday, 8 April 2010

MargieAnne's 25 DAY AMAZING CHALLENGE - DAY 21 ......................... TRUE CONFESSIONS .........................

,I have an embarrassing confession. I have become so addicted to reading Blogs I don't stop for proper meal breaks or exercise. This could be serious and I might need to do something drastic like limit my time with my precious laptop.

I have always been something of a chaotic eater, sometimes healthy for long periods, even years, sometimes eating randomly, sometimes binging, sometimes dieting and that includes the healthy diets as well as some very unhealthy ones. I've frequently fasted, more for spiritual reasons or health, (read inner cleansing), than weight loss. Fasting can accompany a particular period of prayer according to Biblical principles. I stopped doing this when I saw my chaotic eating patterns and weight obsession were overflowing into what was essentially meant to draw me closer to God, able to more clearly hear His voice, able to 'touch His robe.' This last week I have found myself not wanting to interrupt Blog reading to eat. I can't say the Blogs I am reading are that rivetting, but I love reading about people's journeys and how they came to be doing what they are doing. They might be good, they might be interesting and I might want to know how a certain situation worked out in 'real life' but I have gone a little crazy.

I have become fascinated with the R.V. Community U.S.A. and am reading their Blogs like there is no tomorrow. I keep telling myself they will all be there tomorrow. Short of a complete collapse of www. there will always be Blogs by interesting people, who write well, to read on the internet. I wonder if this is part of my reaction to coming to terms with something else.

I'm learning to accept that we may never go back to USA. We might and we might not! Our future dream depends on finance. The availability depends on two things. First is how long Mum continues to live. Right now, less than a month from her 95th birthday I can see the possibility of her living many more years in spite of her exceedingly high blood pressure and resulting heart problems. Her medication is working better than at any time in the last 3 or more years and that's good. The second is the capital, my inheritance is tied up in her house ... too complicated and totally unnecessary to explain, (it's family stuff). Even after Mum is gone it could take a year before I can access what is rightfully mine. TWJ & I are growing older. There will come a day when we are too old to appropriate our dream of living and travelling in USA for an extended period. I will not and cannot live as though I am waiting for Mum to die .... That's not the issue here. The issue is that day by day I am wondering if this dream will ever be fulfilled. It seems to becoming less likely. As I come to terms with the reality of my life I am consuming the Blogs of people who are living the life I dream about. Letting go of a dream is always hard. The death of a dream is worse.

Not eating properly is also partly laziness. I can't be bothered preparing a proper meal. When I do, it is with some impatience and just to keep TWJ from going completely 'off' at me. I've never done what I'm currently doing before. I love to read. I can spend days on a reading jag, but I always took time to eat. In fact reading can sometimes be an eating trigger. Shut out the world with a book and a huge hand held sandwich, packet of biscuits, a block of chocolate or a bag of almonds. It's not surprising that TWJ gets mad with me. In this mode I shut him out too. He often complains that I do not listen, do not hear when he speaks to me. I am working on it.

I'm not deliberately fasting for spiritual or health reasons. I'm not eating my way through the day as I read. I am forgetting to eat. When I stop, take a pause and think about food I'm not hungry. I am a little concerned about my behaviour. It's not healthy. Not eating properly could make it harder for my body to behave properly in the fat loss stakes. I could go into famine mode and struggle to get back into healthy weight loss. I don't think I've gone too far yet but if I continue with many more days like the last few I will be in trouble.

I feel well. My brain is clear of fogginess. I am intelligent but my behavior is stupid. My gut is not crazy about this chaotic eating pattern and will let me know for the first day or two once I get back on track. I get dairrhoea for the first 12 hours after fasting for more than 20 hours. Then I get constipated ... TMI but simply writing the facts. I can live with that as it is temporary. What does concern me is that I'm doing this mindlessly. It is the opposite of binging. It is as accidental as binging usually is. And like binging it's as difficult to stop. I know what I am doing. I know it's unhealthy. I know I should stop and prepare the appropriate meal on my day's menu but I just keep on doing what I'm doing. Again I tell myself I am not behaving in a healthy manner. I know I'm eager to get as close to my 25 Day goal as possible but this is not the way. The weird thing is I'm not doing this to lose weight, to get closer to my goal. I know that the best way to get closer to my 25 Day goal is to eat appropriately and get out there and walk. In fact that's what my 25 Day goal was all about. Drinking plenty of water, eating according to my daily plan, and getting enough exercise to stay in ketosis and improve my fitness level.

I feel as though this is another way to sabotage my 'good health' plan. I have no idea why I am behaving so badly. I know it must stop. I am also very concerned because I've read about age related anorexia. I've seen it in a couple of friends and the results are not happy ones. It is mostly women who fall in this trap. They have a poor self image or they become tired, lazy and forgetful about caring for themselves. The end result is that they damage their brain. These women often improve when they get proper nutrition but sometimes it is too late and is a contributing factor to senile dementia. That's a good reason to establish a healthy eating style while I have a brain. *smile*

There's always something *sigh*

I will come back here later today and report my progress and what I'm doing to break this chain of not eating proper meals.

Later - 9.30 pm.

I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks. Not perfect but not bad either. I still am not drinking enough water and I procrastinated over my walk until it was too late.

I'm happy that I've left behind the patch of not eating enough meals or food. I also have returned to more acceptable use of the laptop. I'm not trying to hide behind it. Phew! I was worried for a bit because I wasn't sure if I had the strength to break the pattern I had fallen into. I'm quite sure my lack of hunger and strength to live my healthy plan was tied up in grief. After I wrote about letting the dream go, I felt quite emotional for a while then gradually I realised the battle was over. Now I can say Goodnight with a *smile*


Kate said...

margieanne its so easy for outside influences to get in the way of what a human being should be doing. i also find that with running around with 2 little ones that by the end of the day i realise i havent had anything to drink fluid wise and nothing to eat. nothing wrong with enjoying your interests just make sure you give yourself a lunch break!!!

Cammy said...

It's wonderful that you're so AWARE of your habits and actions. You caught this before it led you too far down the wrong path. Good for you!

I have *some* success with using fun things like reading or TV watching as rewards for getting my "have-to" items done. If I catch myself "losing time," I set my timer to remind me to check the list and make sure something important's not going undone.

I have confidence you can figure out a way that works for you.

And maybe your dream hasn't died; maybe it's simply deferred. Or if not, maybe something else-equally wonderful--is waiting for you.