I missed posting yesterday. I blame it on fascinating Blogs. I have developed this weird, time consuming, habit of bookmarking Blogs that might interest me every HYC Tuesday. I go through the newly registered and a few above and below my name on the weekly check-in list. I spend the rest of the week, sometimes longer going to the first post and reading all the way through. I have discovered some amazing people with sad, hard ugly backgrounds, loads of courage and spirit. I have watched some grow from confused to clear headed. I have watched some go from feeble struggles, crying in frustration, wondering if they will ever have enough strength to lose weight. I have read stories that make me weep, stories that make me angry, stories that make me laugh, stories that resonate with me, echo my own struggles, stories I wish I could have written. I have found humour, angst, common sense, anger, sadness .. every state of humankind it seems. I have enjoyed some very clever writing and stunning photography, recipes to make the mouth water and some that make me cringe.
There have been quite a few times when I've wanted to shake the writer and say, 'Wake-up, you'll never make progress until you face the truth.' The truth sets us free. It's hard, sometimes extremely painful and often times confusing for a while. I want to shout, 'Go find a good counsellor.' Then I think of all the Blogs I've read and realise there is loads of material for those who need help. This is a safe place. We don't have to face an unknown quantity who just might rubbish our story, or give us advice that is not compatible with our personal ethics. Or as happened in my case a few years ago, put me on a guilt trip for not informing the police. I've just realised that had I gone to the police in those days they would have told me to deal with it 'en famille.' which is what we did to the best of our ability. Times have changed.
Seriously, if you are struggling with your emotions, if you think you have a past that hinders you, if you know you have a past that hinders you and if you don't trust anyone to help you, READ BLOGS. Sooner or later you will find out how someone else recovered from a similar situation and found New Life. The more stories you read the more you will discover a commonality even though every story, every writer is unique. For those who have had bad experiences, Post Traumatic Symptoms are scary and real and there are similarities whether it is war damage or abuse damage. I see the signs and want to reach out with open arms. It can be a little frustrating for a Mrs. Fix-it to stand aside and let people grow at their own pace. I've had plenty of experience at standing aside. I can't fix my own family even though I know the cause.
I have a simple prayer I utter and act out when I'm overwhelmed. 'Father God, you know the truth. You are the Truth. I open my hands and place 'Name' in your hands. Your hands are safer than mine, wiser than mine, and you have the knowledge and the power to bring complete healing. They are yours. I take my hands off.'
I choose to trust the hands I cannot see.
I often want to shout at people, telling them there is only one Truth. My evangelistic righteousness is just below the surface. I watch people go all kinds of directions many of which seem weird or dead end to me. But I have learned that we all must make our own journey to Truth. Sometimes it seems devious and has many detours.
I can only be a pointer and it's up to the individual to follow the sign or not. The choice is theirs. It's hard for me to watch people turn away in their own wisdom. I am learning to accept this because I did the same for many years. Who knows why anyone doesn't follow the pointer? I couldn't even see it through the fog of life as I knew it. It can take miracle to see Truth. I hope you all experience that miracle and become 100% free.
I discovered Truth many years ago when I was a young woman overwhelmed by depression, PMS, 3 young children, my husband working long hours, tight finances. It was so wonderful to discover the real Jesus. I will tell the whole story one day but not here today. I think I'll set up a place where I can write it all out and link it if I believe it safe to do so.
I wish I had the courage to write my whole story. I'm sure someone would discover hope and know they are not alone. I have not found anyone older than myself. That suggests to me that I will have wisdom and experience that must be of use to someone. Before my story goes public I need to be 100% certain it cannot hurt anyone. I will protect me family at all costs. That means I need to find a way to be sure it is completely anonymous. New Zealand is too small. Sooner or later someone would find me out. That is my dilemma. A story that will help many come to terms with themselves. A story that could set others free. A story that is unique. I am not aware of anyone who has dared to write from the point of view of a mother who is also a victim. Mine has/is a deeply satisfying spiritual journey through places I never wanted to go. It is a story of Victory but the war is not over. Many battles and skirmishes have been won but not the final one.
I have great hope in the future as I read Blogs written by young women, some barely into their 20s some a little more mature. Your openness and courage encourages me. You are dealing with things my generation didn't know what to do with. Frequently it was denied. No-one wanted to believe evil stuff. (I guess there were a few wise people but they were few and far between). When we had no choice we dealt with stuff within the immediate family, keeping secrets. We didn't open up to our children. We only told them the stuff we were proud of. We hid our shame. Our parents thought children were to be little adults. Sure we had more freedom, the world seemed a safer place, but we had to fit into our parents world. It was a good time but there are a lot of older people with unresolved stuff living in denial, never finding freedom.
Knowledge has increased exponentially and knowledge does give us power. But the explosion of knowledge has also brought confusion. We no longer know what is black, what is white. We're not as confident, not as sure of ourselves as were our parents
I'm not too sure that this flows well. Maybe I should edit more. Maybe I will later. I had no idea I was going to be philosophical when I began. I hope you enjoy reading and find some food for thought.
On another note.
I am beginning to feel like this is the slowest process ever. The eating healthy + exercise isn’t even the thing that’s getting me down. It’s just, I wish the weeks went by faster so I could weigh in “faster” and I would see the weight drop quicker.
That is me. Don't pray for patience! You just might be tested. Losing weight and becoming healthy is the greatest test of my patience ever. I want this over now. I want to be slim, fit, healthier now. I want to buy clothes that excite me. I don't want to go through a lengthy process. While I can live the life, it is all hard work right now because my body is heavy, fat, lazy and tired. I;m sure it will be easier when I am lighter and don't have to lug so much weight out for my walks.
Another advantage of reading Blogs is that I see the progress over time. It tells me that those who stay true to their goals, working toward them do achieve what they want. I am encouraged all over again. *smile*.