Tuesday, 13 April 2010


I'm sorry if you are literally dumb person and this heading offends you. I do not feel like being PC today.

I have sabotaged myself big time. I have not walked the walk. I have been a preacher and not a doer.

I am not pleased with self. I am really annoyed with self. I can't trust self.

I have been going along reasonably steadily. Nothing spectacular, but mainly eating according to my program. A bit slack but at least never going completely off the rails., until Sunday.

It should have been and could have been a really good day. I went to Church. I bought some groceries while I was in town .... none of them essential. First BIG mistake.

For a while I have been thinking that we need to eat a little salmon every week so put it on the menu. Salmon was on special this week so I bought a nice looking piece that would feed TWJ and I one meal. There were other things but let's deal with the salmon first.

Salmon is fish. I dislike handling and cooking fish. I always get in a mild panic because I know I will not cook the fish in a way that does it justice. This is farmed salmon and I don't now how long it takes to get on the SuperMarket shelf. I only enjoy fish when cooked by an expert and when it is Very Fresh. But I decided I need to face my fear of cooking fish and do it anyway. Everyone else in my family likes fish so this is about me and fish. I kept it simple. Pepper, salt, parsley and lemon juice. I pan fried it in butter and oil, crisping the skin side first. I served it with a simple cucumber salad because I needed to keep the carbs light. It was edible but disappointing, although I think TWJ liked his. I will not cook salmon again. I will probably not eat salmon again from choice. Did I say I do not like fish. Why do I try to make myself eat foods I do not like. I'm too old for this!!!!!

One of my other purchase was these crinkle cut rice snacks. Delites are evil. They are no more good for me than potato crisps. When working in the SuperMarket I heard a customer raving about them, then I remembered seeing that Jay had bought some. Now, too late, I also remember that I tried one and decided they are not for me. I am not an eater of crisps, potato chips and the like but I thought these might be nice for a change. I think I thought they were little crackers so I bought the salt and balsamic flavour. Salt, Salt, Salt. Why? I don't eat salty foods. It's just something I don't do. no special reason, I just don't bother with salty food and never have.

I opened the box and nibbled. I got home and weighed out the remainder into 3 servings, I checked the nutrition panel. Yikes each serving counted as 29 gm carbohydrates. I intended to leave them for TWJ but I ate another serving yesterday. He loves salt and complained about the saltiness but I think it was the balsamic that got him. I still have an evil serving sitting in it's container. I really should dump it. It's Bad, Bad food, Junk Food, and probably went a long way in contributing to my complete sabotage.

My favourite quick coffee was also on special. 2 packets of Nestle Cappuccino for $10. a saving of $3.00 or 15 cents per cup. I bought the Strong flavour. I don't need strong. I don't need cappuccino in my cupboard when I am doing LFL. I am craaazy! Yesterday I drank 2 cups of this coffee and ended up with my heart racing ... not in a dangerous way, at least I don't think it was dangerous, but just an awareness that I'd had too much coffee and of course with it a reluctance to go to bed and sleep. I have enough trouble sleeping without makng it harder. I always have sugar with these sachets of coffee. Not good but I can work it in if I have no more than 1 on any day. But I had 3 yesterday, one regular cappuccino and the 2 strong ones. The strong ones had extra sugar. I am craaaaazy!!!!!!

One of my snacks during the day centred around strong Nestle cappuccino with sugar and a serving of those evil rice crisps.

I did manage to pull back and eat a more sensible evening meal, cold, lean roast beef with a variety of veggies. But the day didn't end there. I wanted icecream. Waaaaah! The freezer was bare. I ate cheese and a couple of crackers. Who is crackers?

But my day wasn't done. As I said I was somewhat wired from coffee so sat up late. Before I went to bed I made another honey sandwich. I did stop at one and just as well. I've had mild gut pain and strong acid reflux.

All I can say is I do not understand myself. I know the consequences of a serious lapse and I chose to not listen to the sensible, wise, caring me.

Yesterday was the last day of my personal challenge. MargieAnne's 25 Day Challenge.

How could I have been so stupid to let the last two days end in such a shambles?

I got what I deserved. In fact I possibly deserved it to be a lot worse. On the last day of my Challenge I gained 1 kg/ 2.2 lbs.

The total lost during my challenge of 25 days was 2 kg/4.4 lbs

I am not growling about the lost weight. That is still reasonable progress. I am growling because I could and should have done better. I was soooo close to my HYC 15 lbs lost button. Now I have to work a little longer.

What did I learn?

1. I am still very vulnerable to making bad decisions especially on days when I am on Mother Caring Duties. Instead of being a pleasure and appreciating how blessed I am to have a mother to enjoy a whole lot of negative emotions and attitudes kick in. I am sick and tired of trying to deal with my negatives. It is simple. I have to suck it up and learn to live with it, including all my negatives.

2. I need to be a lot more careful in what I buy.

Where to now?

I really feel like a week off but that would not be wise if the last 2 days are any indication to how quickly I can cause myself serious damage.

I'm thinking that I need a few more days to quietly get back into a healthy routine. There have been many craaaaazy eating days in the last couple of weeks between not eating at all and over-eating. TWJ is helping out. He is a very routine person so while his porridge is cooking I have got him making up my smoothie. That means I will have my breakfast at the same time each day. I will not get to 2 pm before I realise that the day has more than half gone and all I've had is one cup of coffee.

I will continue to eat medium to low carb getting into a sensible routine. I will plan my Mother Care days a lot more carefully. And I will plan to restart LFL properly within a week but not quite sure which day yet. Maybe I will coincide my LFL weigh in with HYC. I will not put myself under any pressure with challenges because this is a lifestyle that is becoming 'everyday ordinary.' There is one exception and that is the 12 week challenge at Slimming For Life. I believe I can continue with this without pressurising myself.

I am being a little more relaxed this week but I am keeping to my basic eating plan. Life goes on.
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