Monday, April 26, 2010
BAD MOOD TO THANKFULNESS .... I THINK
I'm in an awful mood, not too far away from tears. My throat is aching with unshed tears. I need to find the rainbow.
It's pathetic. but I need to admit it and try to work through or I'll be in bigger trouble as the next 2 weeks unfold.
Right now I'm wishing I was a drinker. I'd go on a bender for the next 2 weeks and let all things pass me by while I live in an alcoholic stupor.
If I could talk TWJ into running away I would. If our bus-home was mobile, (It has a brake problem right now and cannot be moved until that is fixed), I'd talk him into driving away. I do not want to be a part of this family over the next 2 weeks.
If I had those creamy, frothy, cappuccino sachets in the pantry I would drink them with a bucket load of sugar, one after the other until my shaking hand could no longer hold my cup. If I had cake in the pantry or freezer I'd have cake for breakfast.
If I was a chain smoker. I'd sit with a cigarette in one hand and coffee in the other hand.
If there were any kind of biscuits, cookies, crackers I'd fill my hands and stuff my face. If there was icecream in the freezer I'd have icecream for breakfast. Pity there are no chocolates, not even cherry or ginger or peppermint or strawberry or almond or any other flavour. TWJ doesn't have a hidden stash I can raid. Bummer!
There is bread and butter and honey and cheese and marmite and jam. And bread is evil. It is one of the reasons I feel as I do this morning. (See explanation lower down the page).
Darn this house. There is only healthy food in it.
I don't want celery or an apple or a banana, or a smoothie, or an egg, or cottage cheese, or a carrot. I don't want a drink of water or my usual strawberry & mango tea. I don't want a plain black coffee.
I want to blank out my life for the next two weeks. I'll come back when it's all over and moan at self and work hard to get on track until next time.
I've been trying to work out why I'm in a funk. Why I feel so cranky and it's all about a party. I'm the Party Girl! I love to organise, to plan, to set the stage, to invite, to prepare the menu. I love to meet and greet and serve. I love to give people something special on their special day. I love the buzz when people get together and I love to catch up with folk I haven't seen in a while.
What happened to the Party Girl?
I am DREADING with capital letters Mum's 95th birthday celebration. I wanted to do something nice but keep it low key. Yesterday I discovered we have semi-formal invitations to every man and his dog. Sorry, I mean the Dr. and the Minister and all the neighbours who never visit, and church folk who also never visit and cousins from every corner of New Zealand as well as the immediate family and all the grandchildren who number about 20 including the newest born great grandchild. My youngest brother became a grandfather over the weekend.
Yesterday I sat there like an obedient daughter while my daughter put a pen in my hand and gave me the list of written invitations to write out. I came home and emailed as many of my cousins as I have email addresses for. This part isn't over yet as I have a couple of hand deliveries as well and some addresses to track down.
My uncle's family, Mum's brother, I think I have deflected from the bun fight and we'll all have a very nice lunch on her real birthday, May 5th. There's no way these two dear old people would enjoy each others company in such a crowd and they don't get to see each other very often now.
Jay and I have a rough menu. Granted we are trying to keep it as simple as possible. We are preparing to serve 'finger food' with tea, coffee and fruit punch from 12.30 pm until the stragglers leave. Some will stay at Mum's. They can finish the clean-up and get their own evening meal. We might have some folk stay here but I'm hoping not. I am not feeling hospitable. I don't want to cater a big party. I don't want to be nice to a whole host of people. I don't want to be in a crowded room. I don't want all the activity around me that grand-children provoke. I've become a grumpy old lady. At least that makes TWJ and I a pair. He's frequently a grumpy old man. I wonder why. Ha!
The food. We will need at least 2 shops then there will be the last 1 or 2 or 3 for all the stuff we forgot in the first 2 shops. We are going to buy a lot of savouries and sweet nibbles that will be kept in Mum's big freezer just in case we have more people than expected. We will not run out of food. My sister and S.I.L have food to bring. Jay is organising her cousins to bring crackers and dips and their favourite party pieces. I think we've got a plan. I will be making sandwiches and asparagus rolls until the bread runs out. Oh and I think I need to bake a cake or two. Jay has the Birthday Cake baked and ready to be decorated. I think we are pretty well organised.
Oh yes. The garden. It's been a long dry summer and the garden is a little hmmmm! At least it's tidy as Mum paid someone to do the heavy clean-up a couple of weeks ago and Jay has been filling the flower beds with pretty plants which may or may not be in bloom in two weeks time. I have a hundred pots to tidy and make look pretty. I've left it a little late and I'm not in the mood to fiddle with plants. But that's my job tomorrow. We have a Working Bee planned for next Monday or Tuesday to mow the lawns, spruce the inside of the house etc.
Well that helped get stuff of my chest so to speak ... for now. I just wish it was the week after The Party already.
I have a few thoughts on why Party Girl is in a mood. Apart from Jay, none of my children will be there so I have to watch my sister and brother preen their feathers surrounded with all their grandchildren. The fourth family, is a little like us. All over the place and incomplete because their father, my brother, who was next in line to me, died 40 years ago, his wife is in England, and one of his daughters lives in Bali. His other daughter lives nearby so she is one of the Worker Bees and her brother has to choose between Mum and his wife's grandmother who turns 95 the same week.
My biggest problem is with my living brothers wife. I avoided them rather neatly at Christmas by spending the day with our son in Rotorua and we had a lovely day. It was perfect. It's not that I hate her ..... (much). She overwhelms me and is LOUD with capital letters. To add to my pain she is a brand new grandmother and I will have to goo over a baby. I am not a gooey person and I never goo over babies except to be polite and PLEASE people. Of course I am jealous as can be.
We have 4 children, my next brother, (dc), has 3, my sister has 2 and my youngest brother 2. They all have grandchildren and I am the eldest with none. I'm happy in one sense that we have no grandchildren although our youngest son plans to change our status. But I do have to face the fact that our family remains incomplete, (lots of painful stories in there), and while I am reasonably happy about that it causes some pain. I guess it's not dissimilar to a sibling who remains single and childless in a large family or a childless couple who would dearly love a family of their own. You come to the place of acceptance but occasions like this trigger a pain that is remorseless.
Is that all this is about? I think that's only one aspect, and I'm not sure whether it's the most painful.
About yesterday. I left Mum's having done my duty, and with another list of people to contact. I was positive, annoyed, but positive, and thinking of the diet jelly/jello, I was going to chop up and mix with plain Greek yoghurt and maybe a banana as soon as I got home because I was hungry. I hadn't had much lunch, and was low on food and water. Half way home and I was very close to tears. Hmmm! Was this stress, anger coming to the surface, heavy emotions, or was I having a major blood sugar drop from lack of food.
I walked in the door at home grumbled to TWJ about The Party getting out of hand and grabbed the loaf of bread. Before I came to my senses I had heavily buttered 2 slices and cut meat and made a hefty sandwich. I was shocked that I would even do that, by what I had done, shocked that I used even more butter than usual but it didn't stop me making a second equally overloaded sandwich before I began to settle down. Except I never did calm down and was downright rude to TWJ later. I was IRRITABLE and no way did I want to be touched or hugged. Talk about a prickly hedgehog.
I feel a bit guilty this morning for being so mean to TWJ. It's not his fault that my family dominate our life.
I really want to run away. I think it's time I made a plan to do just that on a permanent basis. Either that or get that stinking rotten wheat out of my system again.
Thank God for TWJ and his steadiness. He made my breakfast smoothie and today I have the choice of making it free of foods that turn me feral or continuing on a destructive path.
It is a new day and it is The Day The Lord Has Given Me, I Will Rejoice In It.
Tall order given how I feel
but get this .....
At Church I felt myself responding to the message about dying to selfish desires, to nail another piece of me to the Cross of Jesus. I know some readers may not understand the terminology or accept the thought but I'm not good at making this real to you if you're not into all things Christian. If you love God as I do there is this strong desire to live His way. I know the circumstances I live in are His plan for me at this time. I am not very accepting of our current life hence I need to dig deeper into Him and find the strength to live the life I have been given.
I Will Rejoice In This Day,
I Will Rejoice In The Life I Have,
and all it's features.
I know there is a purpose in my life just as it is.
I Will Rejoice In It.
I don't have to feel good to believe in my God.
I don't have to feel good to praise my God.
I don't have to have a perfect life to know my God walks with me and talks with me.
Yesterday I heard God speak to me in my heart.
I walk with you wherever you go,
There is no place I will not walk with you,
You can try to shut me out,
You can distance yourself from me,
But I will always be there
Right beside you.
There is no place you go
That I will not walk with you.
What else could I respond other than,
I will walk with you all of my days.
Being a full on Christian is full of challenge.
Today I walk a new path because life is new every morning.