I set myself some goals a month or so ago. My success has been less than spectacular. I don't want to adjust my goals just yet so I'm going all out to try and catch-up a little over the next few weeks.
22nd February - 2010 103 kg/227 lbs
9th March - 100 kg/221 lbs
22nd March - 97 kg/215 lbs
30th March - 47th Wedding Anniversary
5th April - 95 kg/210 lbs - 10% improvement
19th April - 93 kg/205 lbs
March 19th, today, I weigh 103 kg. That puts me a month behind. I know my original goals were do-able. I suppose it was a little ambitious to set them and go away for 3 weeks but that isn't a good enough excuse in my book. I'm going to give it all I've got over the next 3 + weeks. I'm going to call it MargieAnne's 25 Day Amazing Challenge. Starting today and ending with a final weigh in on April 13th. I'm hoping to lose 6 kg/ 13 pounds. I know it is a considerable amount of weight to lose in a short time and I know it is possible if I do all things well. I will then look again at my original goals and adjust if I think I've made them too difficult.
I'm enjoying my first full day at home in 4 weeks. I'm beginning to feel restored and eating more sensibly today.
I was a little, quite a lot, surprised by my reaction to feeling 'out of my control,' over the last few days. Anger, tears of frustration over my weight and weight loss efforts are not my style. I'm far too laid back for that!
Perhaps the knowledge that there are no more chances, or at least I'm running out of time to begin again, has finally sunk in. This must be the persistent effort that brings me to goal weight and improved health and fitness. I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn in the area of communication with family too. I have a childish tendency to shout, 'Nothing!' both out loud and to myself when anyone asks what's wrong. I think that must make me hard to live with. I find it so difficult to explain how I feel when the emotions racing around are often so complex I don't even know what they are. I'm trying hard to learn to be honest with myself and others. It's so much easier to push people away and distract my self, usually in unattractive and destructive behaviour like yelling, blaming others for they know not what or EATING.
I don't know why I think no-one at home will understand. Maybe I've got so used to seeing confusion on their faces I expect it and find it hurtful and confusing so want to protect myself. I am amazed by the level of childish, immature behaviour I exhibit at this mature age of 70years old. I have long accepted that people who don't have problems with food and other addictions do not understand those of us who do. In TWJ's case this was compounded when he gave up smoking. He was a reasonably heavy smoker and stopped three times, the last time being 30 years ago. I don't want to belittle his effort but it was made easier for him by living and working in a smoke-free environment and If I wasn't buying the cigarettes he had little opportunity to do so. When it comes to food, although I have modified my grocery shopping and the kind of foods we have in the house, some of the staples kept for him are also my poison.
The last few days have been interesting for me for the interaction between us and the frustration and lack of understanding of our different points of view.
A couple of days ago I yelled and cried and generally proved I'm immature. Through my tears of frustration I said I was feeling as though all the good work while we were away, deliberately working toward the main goal through a less than ideal situation some days, had been undone by the trip home and I was struggling to get things together again before the last month of weight loss was all for nothing. I don't usually rave about my failures so I wanted support not more criticism. The support I got came in the form of more criticism or that's how it seemed. No wonder I clam-up. Overall yesterday was not a bad, bad day of eating. I was slowly unwinding the damage, mentally and physically. I arrived home from Mum's tired and hungry, glad I was able to leave earlier than expected as my sister returned early afternoon. I was hungry, not having eaten properly at Mum's so made myself a banana sandwich and cappuccino. The sandwich was over-the-top with butter but I needed something quick and no-one was going to do it for me and the butter was hard and I like butter and I only covered one slice not two. Pathetic justification on my part but I did know what I was doing. All I needed after that was a raw carrot before bed and today I'm pretty much in control again. I knew or hoped it would be like that but all TWJ saw was the butter and remembering my rant from earlier stood over me with less than helpful words, tone and attitude. Times like that I wonder how our marriage has lasted so long. *smile*
How do others cope when someone wants to help but does it in a most unhelpful way? I try to ignore it and do my own thing anyway.
Everyday I'm growing stronger in my resolution and my effort.