Today I wrote an amazing post in my head. Now that I am here it is not going to come together. Perhaps that's just as well.
Thank-you Chris, Cammy, and Amy for your comments. They have all been comforting and helpful. I so appreciate you.
I'm feeling impatient with myself for allowing stuff to sideswipe me. I need another day or two and I'll be OK again.
I've had another comparatively quiet day. We visited with Mum and my sister for a while this afternoon. Otherwise I've spent some time contemplating the agitation that was throwing me off track. I've prayed. I'm not going to stuff the feelings but I need to keep moving on. I can't afford to get stuck because a whole lot of old **** was stirred up and it stinks.
TWJ and I have talked a little and I do understand how he feels. I hate to admit it but I do things that help me to Tune-Out. I know I'm doing it. I know why. I know it's unhealthy. I know it's not fair to a man who really does love me and has no hope of understanding me. I'm not sure that I want to change. I've lived so long with some things I guess I've lost hope of them changing without a miraculous experience.
My behaviour is mean and unfair and stems from anger over something that was the last straw that broke the camel's back. It has nothing to do with unfaithfulness. It's something I tried hard to resolve but met with a brick wall. The one time I hit an immovable object.
I know ... I need to let it go. I need to forgive TWJ for hurting me so deeply by not trying to understand and meet me where I am. It's big. It isn't really his fault but I've been blaming him.
For now I'm leaving it there and letting it become something between God and myself. Experience tells me it will be sorted when the time is right.
I will trust the hands I cannot see.