Thursday, 25 March 2010


I appreciated the comments on my last post. Thanks for the understanding and encouragement. Maybe I was a little harsh toward TWJ but that's how I felt yesterday. Still a little angry. I bombed out. I took a blobby day. I didn't even get dressed but I did take a bath in the early evening and I didn't turn to food. I did not do any exercise. I felt heavy, probably had some fluid retention, brain didn't want to function well and I had no energy.

I think I need to look at my exercise plan and maybe make some modifications. It's not that I can't do it, just that I cannot sustain that level day after day yet. Maybe I should limit the cross-trainer to 5 x week. I work hard on it and come off dripping in sweat. This is good but maybe I'm putting too much load on my heart or just my body in general by doing it every day. I know the day will come when I can walk, ride the cross-trainer and do some resistance or stretching or weights all in the same day. I am in this for the long haul not to be a nine day wonder and crash and burn because I have over estimated what is sustainable exercise at this time. I need to accept that my body is 70 years old, that it is grossly over weight and that I have done no regular exercise for months, nearly 18 months I think.

Cammy suggested I discuss how much time is appropriate. Good advice. This kind of thing scares me to death. What if TWJ does not give me enough time? What if asking for help triggers another argument? What if ......? I have 'control' issues. I don't like anyone telling me what I can do! Hmmm! Time to grow-up. I think it would help a lot if I involve him by letting him set some boundaries. Am I willing to trust him? This has been a huge question for me. I won't go into detail but is typical for someone who has been abused as a child, however mild. I am surprised by the poor behaviours that are still at work. I have been working on healing from the traumatic for more than 15 years now and am still discovering things that can be attributed to the incidents.

The healing process is like peeling a never ending onion. I get impatient with it. I turn away from it. I ignore it for long periods. There are times when I cannot see the point of facing any more. There are times when I imagine it is all over. There are times when I think it is all in my imagination, times when there is too much inner examination and not enough 'getting on with life.' There are times when I completely forget that anything bad ever happened and times when I believe I am completely healed. This is one of those times when I know my 'trust' issues are being challenged.

I remember someone saying, (or maybe I read), possibly Florence Littauer, something like this, "until you can honestly say to your husband, 'What would you like me to do?' and believe that his answer will be 'safe' you are not fully trusting in him. This is a thorny thing. What if he is not trustworthy? Trouble is, I know TWJ is generally trustworthy and I know that my trust of him is in direct relationship to my trust in God. For those who know their bible stories I point to Sarah and Abraham whose lives were at their most creative and fullfilled in their old age. I am not into 'old school' thinking where the man has absolute control over his wife. God Forbid! But there must be an element of trust for a marriage to work. The question for me remains. Do I trust enough to give TWJ the chance to help set some boundaries around me? I know he will not be arbitrary and will listen to my needs and reasons. Am I willing to listen and make some modifications to my behaviour?

I've got this far. I will test my resolve at an appropriate time.

The combination of making a determined stand to lose weight and improve my health is setting off a whole lot of issues. Issues I thought were well and truly sorted. It isn't making it any easier to ignore them when I'm read Chris's Blog. I sometimes pick up a Blog that touches my heart and read from the beginning. Chris has a very down to earth approach. She lived through a childhood no child should experience, yet many do. She treats it with respect and has a straight, down to earth attitude in dealings with her past. Trouble for me is, it is stirring up stuff I thought was well and truly dealt with. I gave up fishing long ago. It became tedious, boring, and fruitless. But here I am recognising things I have not yet finished with. Everyday our lives are like blank pages waiting to be written on. Thoughts leaping out of our experience and imagination waiting to be processed. I never expected to find myself looking at 'old issues.' But I guess that each time they come up there is a new aspect and increased maturity/experience allowing me to deal and move on. Here's another quote that touched me.

If you can't look in the mirror and love who your looking at, you aren't going to find the strength to make this change or to give yourself the love you deserve, because you aren't going to think you deserve it. The first time someone disagrees with your time spent at the gym, or how your changing the food you buy, or gives you a hard time about going on that walk, buying exercise equipment or trying a new class...you will cave. Because you want to be loved and accepted more than you want to become whole and healthy.

I read this in the light of my current dealings. I am not giving up because I have this particular problem with TWJ. I am strong enough to continue in the face of his disapproval of my chosen support place but I can see that I need to work out some appropriate boundaries with him so that he no longer feels threatened, left out, ignored.
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