Lost the plot for a few minutes last night ..... not with food but my anger spilled over. TWJ just does not get this journey to better health and weight. In fact there's not much about me that he truly gets. I often feel like a round peg in a square hole where my marriage is concerned. I have made many compromises and often not been free to be my own self, all for the sake of making our marriage work. Is that good? I have no idea. I do know that I made a lifetime commitment when I made my marriage vows. I don't believe I would have stayed if there had been physical abuse or serious mental abuse. In fact TWJ has often been my lifeline and he has certainly been an unchanging rock when I have been all over the place. I'm sure he feels as though he has made many sacrifices to keep our marriage alive and he certainly has put up with more than many men would. I appreciate him in so many ways ... but he's a man, he's not perfect!
The spat last night had something to do with me feeling tired, the sticky/heaviness in the air, and me getting hot and bothered over the stove. I have no idea what triggered him to be so lacking in understanding but we could have had an all out fight over precious little. You know how it goes when you get into, "You always," and "You never." TWJ has a bad habit that drives me absolutely crazy. Instead of deciding to work through anything he just gives a flat negative. I can't remember the one he used last night but I do remember telling him how much it drives me crazy when he talks that way and if I remember rightly we stopped there.
The real problem, in his eyes, is the time I spend here, blogging, reading blogs and tracking my food and exercise. I admit that I do spend a lot of time here. He doesn't get that without this outlet I am lost. He really doesn't understand why I need the support of 'strangers,' and that blogging is a safe outlet for me. He doesn't get that as I read other blogs I am inspired, encouraged, enthused, discover new/helpful ideas, recipes, discover new things about myself, become more able to express myself, record my own self discovery, learn how to change unhelpful behaviour/thoughts, and hopefully encourage others. I meet some amazing people through Blogging and some are kind enough to acknowledge my experience and wisdom. This is not a one way street.
As I went to bed and stopped to think things over I began to realise that this is not new and this is not the first time he has tried to shut down my obsession/interest. It has become quite serious since he retired and we spend 99% of our time together. It is possibly partly why I've failed to be consistent in my weight loss efforts over recent years. I cannot blame him but I need to be honest and recognise this subtle form of sabotage for what it is. I'm not making excuses for myself but recognising one of the areas where I am constantly undermined. It's as though anything significant that absorbs my mind and time threatens him. Even my church involvement and friendships have been problematical. This saddens me and even gets me angry if I dwell on it. Am I always to battle and find compromise between his expectations and my needs and major interests?
I have decided that this time I am not giving up the bid to lose weight and become fitter and healthier no matter what hindrances come my way. If TWJ cannot see things my way it will be tough but I am not giving in. I am not going to compromise my time and effort to keep myself enthused and on track. It is hard work undoing the damage of years of abuse with food. It is hard work keeping my mind on the job. I know I am at the beginning of a lifestyle change and all changes involve some stress and tension. I am not going to give in to the moment. I have a bigger picture, the one where I will one day be an appropriate weight and as healthy and fit as my aging body will allow. Imagine being fitter and stronger at 72 years than at 62 or even younger. That's my major goal. I'm taking it on as a kind of job. Currently it absorbs most of my energy, mental and physical but I know that as I progress it will become easier and I will have more time and energy for other things. I have not opted out of our everyday life completely, no-one can do that, but I have placed this effort to become healthier above all things. (God and I together). TWJ will have to learn to live with how I do this. I know he can, but I can expect there to be many repeated moments like last night.
I'm not sure how I will cope. I still zone out as much as possible. I shut out on what I think he is saying and meaning. I shut down the channels of communication if I think they are going to harm my progress towards my goal. This is not healthy but right now I have no tools, no wisdom to deal with this.
Last night I was reading Chris's Blog and came across the following.
"I have never liked to waste food. I have been the person that would eat it rather than waste it."
For some reason this struck a chord with me. I hate to see food wasted, especially thrown out because it has gone past it's use by date. To this end I often eat food which compromises my daily plan.
But do I think like that over other things?
NO! I have some jewellery, expensive and otherwise, which I rarely wear. Why? Not because there is no opportunity but because it has no hold/power over me. I wear it when I feel like doing so and at appropriate times. Surely there is something I can make of that.
I clearly have an emotional attachment to food that gives it power in my life. I'm slowly breaking the power food has. It's not easy but it can be done and My God will help me.
And now for something light to end with. TWJ saw it in today's newspaper and we both chuckled. This is from the UK
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore,"
It tickled us on several levels. We don't have these signs in New Zealand, (we have Cow Crossings), but we saw many signs warning of deer and other animals when driving in the U.S. All over the developed world people with city backgrounds are moving into rural areas to find 'peace and quiet'. They have no conception of rural/farming life and there are some very funny and not so funny incidents and complaints.