Wednesday, 17 March 2010


I never want to do another day like yesterday. It is awful when I'm not in control of meal breaks.

We were up early to shower, breakfast do final pack and farewell son. A took us to airport at 9.30 am and I had a double cappuccino while we waited for our flight to be called. The on-board snack was not worth eating so I didn't. By 1 pm we were at Subway where I probably made my first mistake by having a 6 inch Sub instead of a salad but I have tried salads a couple of times and am not impressed. A little shopping and we were on the road about 2.30 except somewhere we took a wrong turn and missed the Motorway. I never caught up with where we were on the map. We should have stopped so I could read it properly. We sort of knew where we were and saw the signs to the alternative scenic route home, an extra 1 hour because while it is scenic, pretty, coastal, it is also narrow, slow and winding. About 4 pm I suggested we needed to make a drink/snack stop but the driver wanted to go for another hour. When we did stop, Tairua, (a little holiday town), TWJ said we'd get our milk and any other essentials there. I lost the plot. Too expensive to get all we needed, not the same choices I had planned and I wouldn't be able to get something suitable for my tea. I'm afraid I became like a little child and sulked the rest of the day. The icecream I had was needed food but wrong food and I felt very me angry at having my food program undermined.. I sipped water and felt slightly better.

We dropped Jay off and continued home where TWJ cooked sausages. The fatty smell made me feel ill although I did eat one later. I lost the plot 100%. I was angry, lacking my normal food, unbalanced and almost no food, let alone suitable food, in the house. I'm still feeling annoyed that my choices became so limited and that I wasn't more vocal and forceful about my needs. I see myself as a demanding person who likes to get her own way. I am always trying to modify my behaviour so as not to be too overbearing. That's how I see myself. But ..... TWJ and Jay almost always overwhelm me. Daughter/father relationship is too strong and when I have needs that don't match theirs I'm in trouble. I see it coming but seem powerless to stop it. Oh for some 'grown-up' behavior. (from me!)

My anger was fuelled when Jay said we would have to be 'on duty' at Mum's for a full day today and most of tomorrow. She of course has her work and a fairly demanding day today by the sound of things. No time to do a relaxed unpack and laundry etc. My sister should be there but she was leaving early to look at houses in Tauranga and will be away 2 days. She is so thoughtless in her timing but I should never expect more of her. There is only one person in her life and everything else, even doting on her own children and grandchildren must revolve around her. Oh and did I mention that she has left her ancient cat for us to oversee as well. This is a real mop of a cat with fur a foot long and a squashed face. Some kind of pedigree. She's cat mad with no sense whatsoever.

So I'm here venting, wondering how I'm going to get through today when steam is pouring out if every orifice but I have to control my words and actions. And I need to get back on track very fast or It will have been a total waste that I managed our holiday so well. (Did you catch the 'all or nothing' thinking? I did but it doesn't change how I feel.)

I'm disappointed that I didn't lose more while away but I'm pleased that I didn't let being away from home become an excuse to eat ad lib. I have frequently exercised discipline. I have mostly eaten on plan or made intelligent deliberate changes. There has been very little mindless eating ... last night was the worst.

I don't even have the yoghurt for my smoothie today but I will start the day with a smoothie just the same.

Today:- get at least one lot of laundry on line. Get groceries. Go to Mum's for lunch and cook evening meal for all of us there. Come home about 7.30 pm/8 pm.

Makes me tired just to think about it so will try to turn off and get through each stage/task of the day with as much grace as possible. I really don't know how to cope with the anger boiling up inside me, but I'm trying to be honest and let myself feel the real me. Expressing these feelings, even admitting them to myself is not something I do so I am trying to be careful here. I need to be honest but I don't want to stir things up until they take me over completely.


No power for nearly 6 hours. The day turned out to be easier than expected although I threw a fit when I couldn't make my breakfast smoothie as not only no yoghurt but no frozen berries either. I had some hard boiled eggs in fridge from last night so that was all I ate. Grocery shopping was a bit of a screw up as I was hungry and bought some muffins and Nestle Cappuccino sachets. Both have been off my menu for over a month. The muffins are soon gone but not so the coffee. I should give it away but I won't. Shopping was also a bit of a social affair as we kept running into people who wanted to talk to us. Nice but a little frustrating as it took us more than an hour. I like to be quick.

Mum was fine and she had an easy to prepare meal which we were going to leave her to get for herself until the power went off. Thought we'd better wait and ended up cooking her meal on a little gas cooker .... we are all organised for power cuts, they are inevitable here and often last many hours. That is except for water. Mum is on a private farm supply and depends on an electric pump. Without power there is no drinking water and someone has to carry buckets upstairs for the loo and washing. We left when Jay came home. I was relieved when power came on as we had lots of fresh meat and other frozen food. This outage had taken out the TV, local radio and Mum's phone and Jay's mobile which is with Vodaphone. Only my cell was working, and not much use if I couldn't get them. I get very anxious when I know Mum is out of telephone communication because of the problems in getting emergency help. I know I should not get upset as there is always a way through anything but that doesn't stop my mind racing through all kinds of scenarios.

Now the power is back on I can catch up with some blog reading before going to bed with a magazine. G'dnight. *smile*

1 comment:

Kate said...

aw margieanne i can completely understand why you are feeling that way. you seriously have to get some rest or you are going to over do it. you just got back from being a way and barely had time to scratch yourself! start putting yourself first, hard i know when you have a lot of people who rely on you for things, but you dont want to get to the point where your health is so bad that you have to rely on them -- they have obviously let you down when it came to your food options yesterday and your sister let you down as well. chin up, you are beautiful xox