I woke after about 3 hours sleep. After tossing and turning for an hour or more I got up and made myself a cappuccino and ate a large muffin. Neither were all that great. I finally went back to bed and had another couple of hours sleep.
It's going to take a few days to get back into the swing of things.Getting angry doesn't help. I guess I should say there are two kinds of anger. One is destructive and that is how I felt. If only I could switch it to something productive like against my bad eating so that I get back on plan. It's not working like that so I am slowly calming myself down and even if I only have one meal according to my long-term eating plan I will have achieved something.
My other challenge is to get back into my exercise routine, walking and using the cross-trainer again. I can start planning more walks now that the weather is cooling down. Walking is one of the most important aids to losing weight.
I wonder if I posted this revelation. Recently I checked my weight at the time we married. I have always been a little vague about converting the stones to kilograms or pounds. I was around 9.5 stone or 133 pounds when we married, maybe a couple of pounds under. That means I was about 60 kilograms and I was still a little round in places, far from being a skinny minnie. I honestly thought that weight would be too low for me. I'm not aiming for it at present because I'm not sure whether it is a healthy weight for someone my age but it has made me think.
I have known for a long time that my body image perception of myself has always been skewed toward thinking I am grossly overweight. Guess what? .... I've become what I thought I was!
I read other people writing similar things and we all feel so sad. We did not know how healthy and beautiful we were when we had it and went on to sabotage our bodies and health. Now when we have more understanding and appreciation of ourselves we struggle to restore our health and shapliness. It is almost enough to drive one to despair. Instead I must use the knowledge to advance my goal of better health and a slender shape once more.
I have gathered a whole heap of very bad habits in the process of destroying something that was good. Dropping those habits and replacing them with healthier ones is a battle. As soon as something comes to break my barely established routine I go to pieces and bad habits become the easy way through the day. 'I'm too tired, too old to change.' ... or ... 'I need something to give me a quick fix.' ...or ... 'I need to get through this moment/day and I'm not going to make it without help from a tried and true friend.'
That friend is a known traitor but that doesn't stop me returning time and time again.
There is an ugly saying about a dog returning to eat it's own vomit. I am no better. Somehow I must find a strategy that will get me through the bad times. Somehow I must get into my head that certain foods will betray me. Somehow I must get into my head that it's less painful to wait until good food is available than to eat the kind of food that acts like poison in my body. Somehow I must find the energy to always Be Prepared. It sounds too much like 'Goody Two Shoes.' I like to be free to go with the flow. Discipline is something I equate with rigidity, no room to manoeuvre, no room to be flexible, no room to re-align. Somehow I have to get my head around this one. Yesterday I was in a mood and rebelled against being disciplined. Today I feel the same yet I know I must change. I must be willing to be disciplined. That is the only freedom there is in this effort to become a sensible weight once more and enjoy the benefit of improved health.
The only person I hurt by getting angry and rebelling against my food plan is myself. How stupid is that? Now I'm angry with myself. I guess that's better than being angry with everyone else. I need to be in a state of grace where I can forgive. Maybe I can but I'm not sure I want to. This is a stupid rant ... going nowhere ... only fit for my eyes if fit for anyone's.
I can't promise to do better today but I can at least be prepared and willing to do better. Losing weight takes work. Work in my head and the physical work of preparing so that I don't fall in a hole. It is so easy to always have something that will be the equivalent of a strong rope around the hole to pull me up before I fall in. I can always carry a protein bar. I can always leave home with a wedge of cheese. I can always carry a small can of lite tuna. I can carry a hard boiled egg. There is no shortage fo food options. I don't have to run out of good drinking water. These are all things I need to be more aware of. I don't have to depend on other people. I need to depend on myself. I need to grow-up and take full responsibility for looking after my own needs. I don't expect someone else to get out my toothbrush and ready it with toothpaste. I can do this if I have the right attitude.
In one word or is it two? Grow-up Anne!
"Stop sulking like a spoilt child who can't have her own way.
Get with the program right now and plan for a good day. Get your head out of the mud. You can choose to have a successful day or you can choose to fail. Make up your mind to succeed and you can and will."
Enough! I have to be on my way to Mum's