The heading tells me I have received a significant healing. Roughly 3 years ago we were in the middle of a family experience which devastated me. The healing has been little by little, a bit here, a lot there and another little bit somewhere else. Sometimes I didn't even know I was becoming whole again. My friends and Pastors in Pauanui have been very supportive. I've always felt as though I wasn't getting enough time with them. In the past, when I visited, I never wanted to come home to my real life. As the time drew near for me to return home I'd feel a dreadful reluctance to return home. It was almost physical. All kinds of negative emotions would flood through me.
I would like to see them more often but today I was more than ready to come home. To me that's a sign that there has been significant healing of my spirit, soul, emotions. This healing has been gently ticking away, unseen by me. There was a time when I would have happily walked out on all my family, changed my life to do what I wanted and left them to work through their own pain however they wanted. I wondered what kept me in a marriage that was painful, tied to a family that didn't care enough about what I thought, felt or wanted. And I wondered if I would ever stop feeling angry. I wondered why I didn't just go off and lose myself among my friends and their church. The answer is simple. God's wisdom would pop through at crucial moments and I would know I had no choice if I wanted long term peace and self respect.
It's not over yet but I am beginning to feel as though I can live, really live with abundant life. I am beginning to believe the day is coming when I will walk with joy, abundant, living joy. For the first time since December 19th 2006 I have a glimmer of hope rising up within me. I have faked the joy and the hope and struggled to live. It feels good to know that I am making it through. There have been moments of amazing happiness along the way but they never lasted long. Tonight for the first time in 3 + years I know that I am genuinely coming out of the 'hard place.' My heart is quietly rejoicing. I am well on the way to being whole and feeling like 'myself' again. The Bible talks about rivers of joy flowing from within us and at long last I can believe that this is going to be true for me again. Oh Joy!
I am amazed. I don't know whether anything significant happened over the weekend. I received no specific ministry. I enjoyed Church and meeting with friends. I experienced the Manifest Presence of God. I had a couple of visions. There was more healing in the air than I was aware of.
Vision 1. The air was filled with gold stars. It looked as though someone had tossed a heap of gold dust into the air and they glowed and twinkled through a fine, gentle mist. The mist was rising from a river, the River of God.
Today as I described it to Julie I realised that mist rises when the water in the river is warmer than the surrounding air. It has such spiritual significance. The mist of God's Glory rising from the River of God to encompass the coldness of the world. There are so many horrible things going on in the world. Planet Earth is a beautiful place but filled with suffering people. Wouldn't it be wonderful if God came in power and Glory and washed the whole world clean and made it sparkle like brand new.
Vision 2. I saw a heart broken, the zig-zag slash through the middle almost dividing it in two. It was held together at the pointy bit at the bottom by the frailest of threads. The I saw it being mended but not with glue because that would be solid and rigid but by a stretchy material that seemed like a balloon. It was translucent and beautiful and so strong. But the really important thing was that it was so stretchy. That stretchy material is love and because the heart has needed extensive repair there is more stretchy stuff, more love to give away. It seemed to me that it was entirely worthwhile to have a broken heart if the mending of it meant there would be such a wonderful repair or healing.
I shared the 2nd vision in the church service. I knew it had significance for me but it seemed to fit in with the way the meeting was going and I knew there would be others with sadness, or heart-break that would be encouraged. After the service a lady, visitor to our Church, came to me and said that last night she had thought she would die, her heart felt so broken. She has a broken marriage and a daughter undergoing treatment against alcoholism. That God should use me to encourage another is incredibly precious.
I have felt side-lined for so long. I feel as though I live in a spiritual backwater but He is still working in my life and encouraging me. This is the God who never sleeps and I love Him.
I hope something here has encouraged you, my reader. There is always a risk when one writes about personal experience, especially when there are spiritual elements. I put this down for myself, knowing the risk. Some will be drawn to it and others might find it uncomfortable or unintelligible. Whatever your reaction please accept me as I am.
It's really late now. I should have been in bed ages ago but I needed to write this down while it is fresh.