The tension and cravings began softly and slowly built up. I have yielded. Today I have been drinking sweetened cappuccinos, pizza, muffins. I began with an unhealthy bowl of rolled oats .... to much sugar. Almost a defiant act before sorting myself out again. So not sensible.
I've been reading
Lyn's Blog and am filled with awe at the manner in which she handles her eating dis-order and the changes she has made. I'm not Lyn so I will always do things differently but she has much to teach me. I'm not sure where to from here. As I ponder this I am thinking that I keep failing because I ask too much of myself, put too much pressure on me. I've done good work in the past. Stayed with a healthy program and loved it, withstood some negative comments but brushed them aside because I knew that what I was doing was not only healthy but it felt good and was working. I've often been puzzled that when I lose the plot it is such a hard struggle to to get back into a lifestyle that suits me in so many ways. I've tried and I've tried. ..... but guess what? It's beginning to look as though my body is telling me it doesn't want to do it quite that way again. My body is telling me I'm treating it like a woman in her 50s instead of respecting the fact that it is 70 years old with some developing health issues.
I don't like that. It sounds as though I am using my age as an excuse to give-up. That's not so. I'm trying to find what works for me in this decade. I'm having to re-think a lot of things. Sugar and baked goods still have a negative effect and lead to crazy eating and foggy brain so they need to be severely limited but I don't have the resilience and strength right now to eliminate them completely. I know coffee can have a negative effect but I'm no longer willing to eliminate it so I need to find a version that I can drink without adding sugar. I dislike all the non-calorific sweeteners I've tried so won't go there again. The next few months are going to be full of experiment instead of trying to re-establish the program that worked. I need to tweak what works with what I can do without getting so knotted up I lose the plot. I don't think I'm giving myself permission to live in such a way I gain more weight. In fact I believe that doing this will lead to consistent weight loss, more like a lifestyle change that is permanent. Considering that is what I have been aiming for I can't go wrong.
Generally speaking I eat healthy food, vegies, fruit, lean meat but I also get lazy and instead of preparing a nice meal I grab a couple of thick slices of bread, layer with butter and whatever I can find, often jam and cheese. I eat sweet muffins and cake more than is good. I don't always drink enough but I can re-establish good drinking patterns. I do get an awful gut pain under certain circumstances. To give my gut a chance to heal I need to eat something healthy every 3 hours instead of being erratic as I am at present. That is something I need to work on and I have to accept it means coping with TWJ who gets cranky with my needs in that respect. I must admit that is quite a big problem to me. He is so good in so many ways but is so impatient when I find myself flagging or needing to take a snack/drink break when we are doing things together, driving, gardening, shopping, etc. and it doesn't suit him to stop. He doesn't understand my need to live a disciplined life in this respect.
I am not active enough. I know that and need to work hard to re-establish regular walks and time on the cross-trainer. Later I can graduate to strength training. Anyway enough of this rambling.
I'm going to work on this question tonight even of I have to wait until TWJ goes to bed. I copied this from Lyn's Blogdated September 24th 2009
Where do you want to be in a year? Close your eyes. Picture the possibilities. If weight loss is your goal, imagine yourself in one year at the same weight you are today. How do you feel about that?
Annoyed with myself for letting another year slide by without making the change that is necessary for my health to improve. Alarmed because being so overweight in my 70s is a serious health risk. Disappointed in myself for another year of failure to effectively address the problem.
What are you thinking when you step on the scale in one year and weigh the same?
First I will swear silently. Is this where I give up trying altogether and risk an earlier death rather than pulling myself together and dong something about it? Then I will come to the conclusion that I cannot give up trying.
Now imagine yourself in one year, 40 pounds heavier. How does that feel?
Now I'm swearing out loud. #%**#* If I gained that much weight in 12 months I probably can't even get on the scales let alone read them. I will be one big wobbling fat blob barely able to waddle, with nothing to wear except my nightie and kaftan. My health with be in shreds.
What do you wish you could tell your former self, one year ago?
I could easily have avoided gaining this weight. Now I'm really in trouble. It would have been better to face the pain of discip
line, pain of resisting the cravings, pain of increasing exercise to avoid this situation.
Tell yourself now.
Telling myself. "Do not be a fool. You do not have any time left to dilly-dally around. Get on with the job and lose some weight and get some exercise. Soon you will feel stronger and fitter and the new eating pattern will feel normal and cravings will become weaker. DO IT NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
Finally, imagine yourself lighter, by whatever amount YOU would like to lose in one year. How does it feel to be 40, 50, 100 pounds lighter?
I'll be wearing a huge grin and very proud of myself. I'll be very pleased that I've done my best to improve my health and my appearance. I think I'll sell my story to Woman's Weekly to show that age is no barrier to losing a significant amount of weight. Maybe they'll shout me a make-over and I'll be able to use their huge pay-out to get a new wardrobe. *giggle* *giggle*
Was it worth it?
Oh Yes! I love the reaction of family and friends and even some strangers. I've bought myself a few extra years on this planet.
Thank-you Lyn for putting together this little exercise.
At this point in my meandering Blog the following quote seems very appropriate.
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” –Anonymous I took this from Bella