Friday, January 29, 2010



I began making changes a week or more ago but it's only the last few days that I've been satisfied with myself. I'm going to be boring and count the days because it will encourage me not to break the chain. I don't appear to have lost any significant weight, ie the scales are not recording change either that or I blotted out the true damage and my real weight gain. On the other hand I have a better indicator. My clothes don't feel quite so tight therefore I'm not so bloated, the swelling in my lower legs, ankles and feet has largely subsided and I feel happier in myself. No longer do I have that nagging voice in my head, 'if you keep this up you will be sicker than your mother in no time at all.'

Mum had a minor set-back yesterday but not enough to make me change my plans for today. I can stay home again and TWJ will visit with her this afternoon. Mum likes a little bit of male company every now and then and they get on quite well considering he wasn't supposed to be 'good enough' for me to marry and there were hard words back then. I treasure these times when I have the house to myself for a few hours, otherwise the only time to myself is when I go out and do my own thing. Back to Mum's health and my reactions. I am able to focus at present because Mum doesn't need me. I can't remember when I got the last 7 am text from daughter to say Mum not well and could I be there ASAP so there would be no gap between her leaving for work and me arriving. Most days lately Mum has been getting all her own snacks & drinks, some breakfasts and most lunches and occasionally her own dinner even if it was just heating something already prepared. She's even made her bed a couple of times and done her own dishes leaving the bench spotless and the sink polished. That's good for me because when I get a text to say Mum not very well, I begin to panic. I may not show it on the outside but it certainly shows in how I handle some of my other behaviours including food for the day.


I know that something was going on inside of me but the last little while I've been free of IT and so can identify what is missing. Isn't that weird. While IT was there, in panic or near panic mode, I knew something wasn't right but couldn't put my finger on IT. Now that I've had some freedom from IT I can see IT. There is no tightening in the gut, there is no readiness to tighten up. I'm not trying to live normally while the inside of me is going crazy with fear. I've been very good over the years at hiding my fears from myself and others. Very successful at cover-up, too successful. There's always a cost when you push things away. Either IT continues to expand like an over inflated balloon until IT lets go with a mighty explosion or IT leaks away poisonous gas slowly destroying you. I know about impacted fear, anger etc. I've counselled others. Now I've identified the hidden panic factor can I do anything to prevent it in future?

That is the 64 million dollar question for me. Right now I will make the most of this freedom from panic and get on with re-establishing healthy habits. I will do what I can to deal with the hidden factor. I will try to identify the hidden cause of the panic because I'm really not afraid of Mum dying or even needing more care. I know that panic such as this often has it's roots deep in the psyche or spirit. I have dealt with all similar problems simply, with God. Jesus came to set us free in every sense of the word. That means freedom in spirit, soul and mind. I've been toying with the need to visit my friends in Pauanui, my home church, friends and pastors but haven't got there. Perhaps this is the weekend I make the extra effort. At this time of year I can expect it to take at least 2 hours to get there and we haven't wanted to budget for the extra fuel so I've been hesitating but not this weekend. I think God has had this thing under His Hand all along. A stressful period until I could not ignore how I was reacting. The sudden, unexpected, extended period of not being on call for Mum giving me a chance to see the difference. Maybe it was His Hand holding me back from going to Pauanui until I was ready to receive this ministry. Funnily enough it has happened in this order before. There is a pattern which is evident when God is getting me ready to deal with something deep or serious.

This panic has been causing so much unhappiness inside me. I can see it all now. Nastiness toward TWJ, anger toward Mum, resentment and bitterness on many fronts, the need for a very quiet Christmas, wanting to hide from social activities, the list goes on but I won't go into boring detail. Fear is a good thing in the right place but not when it destroys normal reactions. I have always had a "FREEZE" reaction to fear. I become immobile in every way. That means I cease to function in ordinary matters too, unless something jolts me out of it. Today I have brought this particular aspect of my wierdness into the light and that means it no longer controls me and I can deal with it, or rather my God will deal with it. I will be so glad to be free of this monster within.

Now I'd better get on with living the day. Catch up later or tomorrow.

1 comment:

Minnesota Mami said...

Thanks for visiting my blog MargieAnn! And congrats on Day 5! It is a day by day journey, isn't it...we can make each day powerful!

Holly @ Making Over Me