I've taken my heading out of
Debby's last post because it expresses my desire exactly.
We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” – Jim Rohn I was reading my motivation and thought I should try to remember this.
I looked at these words and thought about all the disappointments in my life, all the regrets. Things not done when the time was opportune and things it might be too late to consider.
About the last comment, I have always dreamed of living in a fairly large villa with verandahs and lots of family atmosphere, a little Victorian but with all modern amenities but designed to suit the era. The house must be at least slightly rural and set in plenty of space so that there can be a large garden with lots of big trees as well as the cottage garden, vegetable garden, orchard, free range chooks and so on. I suppose it is based on the best of all the homes I knew from my childhood and my preference to not live in town. My father was a sheep and cattle farmer and we had a very good lifestyle. Well that dream will not become reality now. I have faced the loss. We are too old to consider embarking on such a lifestyle even if we won lotto ..... well maybe then. One of my sons pursues this dream if somewhat erratically.I will have to be satisfied with watching their progress.
My life is so full of disappointment. Out of 4 adult children we have no grandchildren and only one son is still likely to have children. One son is a paraplegic, result of a motor-bike accident 17 years ago. He opted out of making relationships when he realised his sexuality was impaired. I can live with that but the reasons for time slipping by are loaded with angst. Sexual abuse is such a part of our family history. Once I thought time and the 'sensible' way we have handled each incident would heal the wounds and our children would have a different future but it grew worse as they matured. I can't change the past .... if only I could go back to when they were innocent. I know that a lot of my problems are centred in their pain. We all get on with life and have put the past behind us but it never goes away. It is always a shock to be confronted by the past yet again. I'm glad there are no children as yet but it is nevertheless disappointing.
Make no mistake sexual abuse is a disaster equal to anything that can happen in life.
Best not to focus there and move on. I could go on and on about my weight and health but I'm going to the core of this post now.
Do I want to enjoy my life?
Am I too old to change?
Do I want to get the best out of every day?
Do I know what is best?
Do I want to enjoy buying cloths, REALLY ENJOY, THAT IS?
Do I want to enjoy being able to do all the physical things involved in living?
Do I want to enjoy walking, etc. etc?
Do I want to breath freely as I grow older?
Do I want to have the healthiest heart and liver possible?
Do I want to have the admiration of family and friends?
Do I want to look as good as possible?
These are obviously rhetorical questions because the answer is always positive.
When I was younger I took what health and fitness I had for granted until I began to suffer with Chronic Fatigue. Even then I was able to reverse the effects, it did take a few years and much prayer but I think that is in my past although slack eating patterns can imitate the symptoms. I never thought I would enter my older years and be such a moron about eating and exercise. Just when it is more important than any other time of I life have let all discipline go.
There it is, that word DISCIPLINE. It has always been a bug-bear. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. I think I grew up in such a disciplined/controlled environment that my spirit longed for freedom. I never appreciated the value of discipline until my children were young. I was brought up short one day when reading about child-care, Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson. The gist of the message for me was that I needed to be disciplined to train my children. Of course I did this imperfectly but I began to understand the importance of self-discipline.
I understand the need for self-discipline in all areas of life but I baulk at practicing it too often. Actually sometimes it is intense and stressful rather than freeing. I guess discipline can be painful in the short-term and I need to look at the long-term gains. Hmmm! food for thought there.
As I read the words of Jim Rohn, "We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” I was hit in the gut by some understanding of the paths my life has taken. Especially my unhealthy weight.
I was doing extremely well through most of 2007. I need to look at what was happening in our lives at that time. It seems a long time ago. First we ended 2006 with major drama that left me depressed, grief stricken, shocked and disappointed. For me it was possibly worse than experiencing the death of a loved one because there will be no closure, just getting on with life and not letting the problem destroy us all. I wondered if I would ever recover from the emotional pain I was experiencing. Somehow I have got on with living knowing that some things never completely leave you. It has become part of who I a today.
We were also living away from what is now our home-base. We were in the Old Purple Bus in the South Island and had no other responsibilities other than being there for our sons and helping out where they needed a helping hand. We were parked on a farmlet and did not have to go out and put a brave face on or socialise more than we wanted nor cope with day to day distractions not of our own making. After a few days I began to get things together and began Lean For Life. I had no great confidence in my strength to do this but after a week or so I began to notice I felt better within myself and was not being so horrible to live with. There is no award grand enough for TWJ. What he has put up from me through the years deserves more than a gold medal.
Over a period of 7 or 8 months I lost 25 kg/55lbs. I have since regained most of that and I feel fat, VERY FAT, which of course I am.
So I have to ask myself, 'What went wrong?' Mostly I think it was the change of routine. Coming home and finding ourselves with responsibilities that we had little control over. My mother was needing more and more care and our daughter needed our support in this. I could walk away from Mum, well not really, but I cannot desert our daughter. Currently Mum is in a really well phase. I think the warm weather is agreeing with her but Jay cannot manage without the faithful support of at least one other family member and no-one does it as well as we do. I really struggle with having my mother need me like this. I am a mess when she isn't well. I get very tired driving backwards and forwards over the hills and I resent the tie. Don't make any mistake, I couldn't walk away from this commitment anymore than I could abandon my own children. Doesn't stop me wishing sometimes though. Love can be a strange thing. It does not always mean we enjoy what we do.
Right now we have some breathing space. Holiday time has meant other family members have been available and Mum feeling so well has meant we don't have to be 'on duty' quite so often. Clearly this is having an impact otherwise I would not be here.
I have time to think about me and maybe I'll get into the discipline of weight loss for good health over the next few days. I need to get up in the morning and follow my healthy plan without any further procrastination or the pain of not doing it will be infinitely greater than the pain of discipline.
For me it's not a case of lack of knowledge, intelligence or tools. Just an unwillingness to admit that I have a choice. Face the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment