I should be doing a million things but so far I've managed to procrastinate my through more than half the day.
I am so excited about our forthcoming trip it is almost paralysing. That's different. I used to go mad spring cleaning everything in sight and couldn't stop working until I was in the car. TWJ would be standing by wondering what all the fuss was about .... but I've changed. I'm fat and lazy today.
I thought I'd try and get some of this excitement, much of which is nervous excitement our of my system. If you are a reader here you may not understand a word of what I am going through, others will instantly understand where I am coming from. If you are of the former group please don't tell me to get over it and get a life or some-such. Just let me get on with dealing with the angst my own way. I know you wouldn't do that. It's the nervous side of me speaking.
This will be our 3rd cruise/conference with the Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship. A special kind of Revival happened spontaneously there in 1994 and has continued from that time. There has been and continues an emphasis on the truly wonderful love of God .... the Father heart of God. It swept to all kinds of places around the Globe, some churches embraced it, some were cautious and remain around the fringe while others rejected what was happening and continue to do so. For me the proof was seeing people's lives became freer and happier. People laughed more and became friendlier, less judgmental. People were/are drawn to the love and many people have come to know Jesus as their living Saviour as a result. Miraculous healings, mental, emotional and physical have been a part of this.
Only those who have become radically in love with Jesus after they married are likely to appreciate the agony it can be to be to be married to someone who struggles to see Christianity as little more than a friendly club or a religion, little different to the other great religions of the world. I have lived with this situation now for almost 40 years. There have been times when I have doubted the validity of my marriage and there have been times when I have been obnoxiously fanatical. More recently I have lived calmly with what is, but at a huge cost to my own spiritual life. And although happy in myself I know it is not the best place to be. I see our married friends who are equals in faith and I long for their unity. I have many friends, all women, who are in the same position as myself. We all find it extremely painful emotionally and spiritually. We feel as though we only have half a marriage because of what is missing.
The amazing thing with God is that He has given everyone of us free choice. I can do no less for my husband. It must be His choice to receive the knowledge of Jesus into his life. I used to try to get him to come to things at Church or read a helpful book and encouraged him to find friends among my Christian friends. None of this rubbed off on him in any appreciable way. TWJ is a very nice person .... after all he's married to me. Joking aside, he's friendly, often wise, kind, firm and gentle. Most of the characteristics we women look for in an ideal mate. If anyone is the difficult person in our relationship it has to be me!
As I said this is our 3rd cruise and each time there is a part of me all stirred up because this might just be the time TWJ meets someone and the God message clicks for him. I know that this is wishful thinking, pie in the sky thinking. I thought I was over this but not true. Here I am again hoping against hope that this will be the time. The situation is perfect. For seven days we will be on board a ship with roughly 3000 people. About 1000 of those passengers are radical Christians. This is a wonderful opportunity for God. My thinking gets worse. Haven't we spent an arm and a leg to go on this cruise and haven't we persisted through difficulties which would have defeated someone with less determination. Bargaining with God is not a good place to be. All the same I am carrying a hope that this trip will be the time that we finally become one in spirit as well as in marriage.
I can feel this hope beginning to eat me up. I need to hand it over to God, like a snake on a plate and let Him deal with it. I want to go without this intense longing in my heart .... I'm not expressing myself well. There will always be an intense longing for my husband to know Jesus, to know the God of love, forgiveness and healing and I know without a doubt that he will one day. I don't know the day and I would be brain dead if I did not wonder if it will be on this trip but I don't need the extremeness of my emotional longing. It's paralysing me. It's too overwhelming and powerful for me to ignore. It's getting in the way of normal preparation.
Dear Lord you know my heart. You know the longing of my heart and what's more your love for TWJ is perfect in every way. You have a plan, you know the day and the time. Once more I give to you my intense desire to see my husband walk in your love and share it with me and others. Dear Lord please let me carry this longing in a peaceful heart.
Lord give me strength to trust the hands I cannot see.
For you know the plans you have for us and they are for good, not evil.