Thursday, 21 May 2009


I don't feel stressed, over excited or anxious and I'm coffee/caffeine free, so why am I waking up? It's 5.30 am. I've been tossing and turning for over an hour. I could have stayed in bed until 8 am. if I wanted to. I did not go to bed early, after 11 pm, but I was asleep within minutes so why not continue through to a civilised hour this morning. The nights are cool and I was cosy but not too hot and now I'm sitting here with the heater a couple of feet away, fully dressed for the outdoors and wrapped in a rug and still freezing!

Had a sort of 'good' day yesterday. Ate and drank carefully with WW in mind as well as determined to be in ketosis today. I also walked my 5000 steps, about 2 km/1.3 miles followed by a few stretch exercises. I went to the Pub Quizz with Jay, A, our DIL, and friends and bought my meal. Sirloin steak with salad & fries. I was hungry and ate most of the fries, the steak was huge, about 3x what I normally eat and I thought I was a big meat eater! perfectly cooked to my taste so I ate it all and only some of the salad. I also drank lemon, lime & bitters and had a large drink of hot chocolate so that's a huge carbohydrate/sugar hit. Will just have to keep working away and maybe it won't slow down my weight loss too much. I did OK at WW and my records there pretty much match my ticker ..... can't remember how close because I forgot my books and I'm struggling to get excited about my losses when I am still undoing the damaging from the last 6 months, since September in fact.

W, our son has a man cold/flu. He looked forward to this trip as something special and has spent most of it sniffing, coughing & sneezing, feeling miserable & moaning. Poor guy. Just hope he hasn't passed it around. We are very nervous of Mum's health with Jay & I going away, and Jay & Os don't need to arrive in Turkey with the sniffles. They might get accused of 'Pig Sickness.' That's what Os called it when he tried to translate a panic call from his mother a few weeks ago. Being of Moslem background they were very concerned.

I have so much stuff I want to write about and have drafts by the mile with suggested topics but this one I should have written yesterday before I lost most of the memory.

I had a DREAM. Someone gave me genuine affirmation, the kind I hope I give to others but don't remember ever receiving. I still have an afterglow even though I can't remember any details. As I pondered the dream I began to think about why I have never felt as though I am fully accepted and approved of. I grew up in the midst of a caring family with the knowledge that I was a little bit special being the eldest child of an eldest child, of an eldest child of an eldest child .... all daughters. I don't think I was spoilt but many of Mum's cousins saw me as a special playmate even if they were quite a lot older. But when I thought about my parents, who carried a kind of anxiety about them, I knew it had been transferred to me as feeling as though I could never quite measure up to their expectations.

I have always striven to do what would please them, yet been a kind of rebel underneath, with my own agenda as well. I am strong spirited/willed so fought, if you like, to maintain my own identity rather than be moulded into something my mother, in particular, wanted me to be. I have never felt as though whatever I did was quite good enough. I have never felt as though I am just how I should be and having nothing to strive for. There has always been this thing going on where I could fail myself because others were going to rate me a failure anyway so why bother. All these mixed up negative feelings yet I knew that my parents loved me were proud of me too. All goes to show that as a parent you cannot guarantee what your children are going to pick up on.

These negative feelings have been waning as I've matured and recognised my own worth and the foolishness of such thoughts. The greatest acceptance has come through being a Christian and accepting the love of God as a personal thing. But the affirmation I received in this dream was more than anything I have experienced previously and I like it. I feel as though much of the hidden anxiety has been wiped away. I can't express myself better than this at present. Someone has been praying for me and their prayers have come through. Thank-you.

Today's plan goes something like this. Breakfast:- smoothie; Lunch:- salad & some kind of protein; Dinner:- slow cooked lamb shanks or beef casserole. Something that can be cooking while we are at work. Snacks:- any protein, almonds & apricots. As soon as I've had breakfast and the sun is up... the birds are singing so won't be long now, I'll go for a walk 5000 - 8000 steps. Then I have to get stuff organised to go grocery shopping for Mum & us and have lunch at Mum's. Work 4-8pm. A full day for me.

Will check in later and record how it goes.
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