Saturday, May 30, 2009


It's Saturday ...

Where are the days going?

We have 2 weeks and 2 days before I have to fit into that aeroplane seat. OK In New Zealand we use English English spelling so sometimes it will look funny in USA English.

Today did not begin well. My phone went off at 2.45am. I lay in bed for ages trying to wake up enough to decide whether it was important, and should I get up and find out who it was. Last time it was my niece trying to reset her phone after washing it with the laundry. This time it was our daughter texting from Turkey with her phone number there. So of course I had to wake up and we had a brief conversation in text. It was so good to hear that all is well and they have recovered from their long trip over. I did go back to bed but not to sleep, so gave in, got up and have pretty much caught up with reading Blogs. I dropped off about 9 am only to be woken again by the phone. Hmmmmm! Why do I need it? That's a rhetorical question so no reply needed. I am running on little more than 4 hours sleep right now. That is not good.

Do I panic and go on a liquid diet for 14 days? That would work. Do I go on a very restricted diet? Do I give up? We have a fridge full of food that should be disposed of as we intend to turn the power off while we are away. 99% is healthy .... fruit veges and some meat, cheese & eggs. I guess I plod along being as healthy as I can be. I won't give up. I'm finding it a little easier with not having to be at Mum's so I guess I'm a little more rested. Thinking .... thinking.

C'mon.... What's to think about? Either I'm going to be healthy or I'm going to crash diet or I'm going to eat like a crazy woman. Can I put the answer on hold just for now?

I should look at the comment I put on Kim's blogI have expanded the idea somewhat and if you get bored with my ruminating, I apologise, but this is for me.

I am a long termer at this weight loss thing.

Why not fight for me?

I would fight tooth & nail for help/health for my children. Can I stir up that passion to fight for myself?

Losing weight and maintaining a healthy weight is a lifetime struggle for me. I see it as some kind of battle. Until the fatal blow, that deals with weighty matters forever, is struck I have many battles. Some are more successful than others and sometimes the peace between battles lasts a while but sometimes one battle runs into the next.

Sometimes I become battle weary and need R & R. That doesn't mean binging or eating badly but but rather a change of focus for a short period.

Think it through. Am I ready to embark on a fight to be as healthy and look as good as I can? Am I ready to face this as a life-time thing? ..... I think I've already asked the questions and the answer is YES! ... so I will not become despondent when it seems difficult. I will keep blogging and drawing inspiration for the long-haul.

When I've had to fight for my children what did I do?

1. I got emotional and sometimes very angry.
2. I assessed the need.
3. I looked for ways of meeting the need.
4. I worked at ways of supplying the means to meet the need.
5. I ploughed on through any hindrances to doing what was best for my child.
6. I never gave up
7. When one way didn't work or was blocked I found another.
8. I did my best to do the best even when the child was a reluctant participant
9. I kept my eye on the goal.
10 I learned to be patient
11. I learned to take what appeared to be backward steps in my stride.
12. I learned the value of taking stock and making fresh beginnings.
13. I learned that life goes on. It doesn't stop while I prevaricate and procrastinate.
14. I never lost my passion for seeing that my children had the very best opportunities that I was capable of providing.
15. I didn't try to do it on my own. I knew there were others more skilled, better suited to meet certain needs.
16. I learned that enjoying life is as important as working for a good result.
17. I learned that I usually knew what my child needed better than the so called experts but they had skills I needed.
18. I learned to believe in myself.
19. I accepted the emotional side of being a mother and sometimes used it without shame.
20. My faith in God was the key to all these things.


This is a huge list with much that could be commented on. Maybe I will make it a project to complete this list before we leave by commenting on one or two aspects each day.

Right now I am wondering just how in touch with my feelings regarding weight loss I really am. I've learned to live with me as I am. I've learned to love the person I am. I've learned to accept that I can look pretty good and accept compliments with graciousness if not always pleasure. I still look for the back-handedness in compliments.

Mentally I know all the risks associated with being overweight and the discomfort is with me almost every moment of the day although one does get used to it. I do love looking good in my clothes and I strongly desire to have a better choice when buying clothes.

I have wept buckets over the years because I knew I needed to lose weight and keep it off. I know being overweight is a hindrance to fulfilling my calling in Christ. Let's face it fat women do face prejudice and that includes the Church. Being fat has impinged on our marriage. It doesn't seem so important now but let's be honest. Being fat is not much fun in the bedroom when you feel like a beached whale. All this is largely cerebral stuff.

Have I rung the last bit of emotion out of this thing that has been going on for years or I have learned to shut down the emotional side. It's not PC to hate yourself. But I have a sneaking suspicion that there is still a part of me that is still at odds with the part of me that wants to live and enjoy life to the full for as long as possible. I have to wonder If I have shut down on myself in the process of dealing with certain deep hurts. Eating is a form of escape, but escape from what?

I'm stopping here. This is beginning to get into a vicious circle and I don't want that. I need time to let God show me ... what is next?

1 comment:

Me said...

Hang in there sweetie!
I vote for eating healthy & going on as you have been.
I can't speak for you, but personally, I'd feel better using up the healthy foods in the fridge before going because I have this 'thing' about wasting food & it would bring on loads of guilt.
Do what you *need* to make yourself feel good & healthy.