Sunday, 3 May 2009


Thought this post needed some light relief.

Katy on her tower.

The other photo is near Fisherman's Wharf San Fransisco, where we lunched on the house specialty, seafood chowder back in February 2005. It seems a long time ago now but we will be there again in a less than 7 weeks.

Today's entry turned into a surprising journey. Today has been one of discovery and it's not over yet. This might be one of the most significant things I have ever worked through. The process is ongoing. I make no apologies for the content. This is me!

After writing about the battle going on in my head I began to think about why it has become so hard. The truth is I secretly agree with the evil voice. I've spent most of my life being concerned about what goes into my mouth. That doesn't mean I've been a sensible eater but even when eating bread layered with an inch of butter or munching down a bucket of biscuits, (cookies) I would be aware of how unhealthy and damaging that food is. I want a total break. I want to be free, for the rest of my life, to not be worried about what I put in my mouth.

The truth is it will never happen. I know so many people who look lovely in their skin and yet they are just as concerned as I am about what they eat. The difference is that they don't regularly eat huge amounts of unhealthy foods and when they do have something loaded with calories they accept the need to be disciplined in their eating or do more exercise, and they do it. I need to accept the difference between the freedom of discipline and the freedom of hedonism.

hedonism (Cambridge Dictionary)

living and behaving in ways that mean you get as much pleasure out of life as possible, according to the belief that the most important thing in life is to enjoy yourself

Hedonism is selfish and leads to excess. Not really what I want from life.

discipline (TRAINING) (Cambridge Dictionary)
training which produces obedience or self-control, often in the form of rules, and punishments if these are broken, or the obedience or self-control produced by this training:

I don't have enough (self) discipline to save money
or maintain a consistent weight loss program. For rules and punishments if these are broken ..... read consequences. We who are over weight pay a high price for our inability to obey the rules of a healthy lifestyle.

self-discipline (Cambridge Dictionary)
the ability to make yourself do things you know you should do even when you do not want to:
You need a lot of self-discipline when you're doing research work on your own,
or living to lose weight/be healthy.

Hmmmm! Am I learning something about myself? I have read about and understand that many people are unteachable. I even know a few. i.e. they will not listen or heed what is being taught. They 'know it all,' yet they are really ignorant. Can you be an educated ignoramous? Oh Yes!!! Now I have agued myself into a corner. Oh dear!!

WW people seem so pedantic about their rules. I want some flexibility and acknowledgement that my program is good, healthy and sustainable if only I can get my head around doing it.

So I have two things going on. I want the people who are close to me, i.e. Jay. TWJ and WW to tell me my program is good even though they don't understand it or believe it is right. The only way they will become believers is when I finally succeed against all their predictions. That's not even close to being supportive. Hence I need the support I get blogging because here I can find people who think at least a little like me. The other involves my head and that's where I am stuck right now.

Again I come back to my desire to be healthy and my unwillingness to eat and exercise effectively to produce the desired result. How boring I am.

Now I come to what for me is the most interesting conclusion. When I have been eating right for a week or so I begin to get my head in the right place. It is all the #*&#@** foods I am eating that are making it so difficult for my head to engage sensibly.

I am coming round to the truth ..... I think.

Going back to discipline and self discipline. Not obeying the rules of good health has consequences, for me they are being obese and physically and mentally sluggish.

self-discipline (Cambridge Dictionary)
the ability to make yourself do things you know you should do even when you do not want to:

You need a lot of self-discipline when you're living to lose weight/be healthy.

My Bible says that one of the fruits of the Spirit is Self-Discipline. I think that maybe I have been expecting this fruit to fall into my lap all ready to partake of. That would be a gift, but my Bible doesn't talk about Self-Discipline as a gift.

Many years ago I longed to see the evidence of "joy" on my life. Joy is another fruit of the Spirit. One day I wrote something like this.

Joy is a fruit,
To grow good fruit you must nurture the tree. That means my relationship with God.
It also means to nurture within me the things that bring joy such as not complaining and having a good attitude and being forgiving and lots of good things like that. They Water and fertilize the tree which must be planted in Good soil first of all.

It was a special word of comfort to me and gradually I discovered joy that bubbles up from deep within like a fountain. Recently I've had people say lovely things about my smile or that I look as though I will burst into laughter at any moment. The fruit of joy is being released and other people can enjoy it too.

Other Fruit of the Spirit are Patience and Long Suffering. I can do both of these now but they are earned the hard way. Life Experience has taught me not to be impatient and waiting for the 'hoped for' is not such a big deal anymore. Age has it's advantages as I can look back and know that time brings changes, granted not always good but nothing in life stands still so 'all things come to pass.' I have a graphic picture of this held in my head from one day when I become overwhelmed with something in the now which was making me unhappy. We used to regularly drive past a piece of land that was farmed, - Rolling hills covered in green grass and grazing animals. On this particular day I was extremely unhappy. I had good reason to be anxious about a decision one of my sons was making. The hills had recently been planted with little pine trees. As I drove by I looked across at them and the adjacent hills covered in larger trees I realised that in a few years the growing baby trees would completely change the landscape. Just so, that family crisis passed and the landscape of our lives changed.

If I can grow good "Joy, Patience and Long Suffering" I can grow good "Self Discipline."

1. plant myself well in the goodness of God. Grow my relationship with Him.
2. Water and nurture through practicing, training myself to accept discipline.Training comes by doing. At last something practical I can do.
3. Use good fertilizer and soil conditioners .... feed myself on good support.

I need to back up again.

discipline (TRAINING) (Cambridge Dictionary)
training which produces obedience or self-control, often in the form of rules which have consequences if broken.

That I find interesting. I need to train myself to have self discipline. ...... Like I would train if I wanted to run a marathon and continue the regime until it becomes a Lifestyle.

This is not news to many people but it is to me. Suddenly the penny is beginning to drop and I'm getting a picture of what is required if I am ever going to achieve my goal weight, improve my fitness and health and continue to live in that healthy place for as long as I am on earth.

My brain is reeling from the shock. I have to train myself to be self disciplined!!!

This is no longer about a diet or even getting healthy but all about becoming the self-disciplined person God desires me to be. Don't laugh if you're still reading. I have been a Christian, sold out for Jesus for 36 years and here I am discovering a basic.

I'm not sure how this will develop in practical terms but let's just say I have a change of attitude and embrace the need to train so that I become self-disciplined.

Step 1.

Ask for forgiveness for being such a ninny, being hard-headed and so unwilling to train.

Accept that if I confess my sin, (of being unwilling to train to become self-disciplined), to Him, He can be depended on to forgive me and cleanse me from every wrong. (And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for me because Christ died to wash away our sins). John 1:9 personalised version from The Living Bible.

Step 2.

Thank-you Jesus/God my Father for being full of goodness, kindness and mercy toward me.

Step 3.

Lord as you cleanse me spiritually and mentally would you kindly fill me with the strength of your Spirit and give me grace to become trainable. Make me willing to be willing to obey the rules that bring good health.

Step 4.

Choose the right set of rules and abide by them.

On that note I will finish for today.
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