I've been reading blogs from HYC that I have on my Google Reader all day. I still have 150 posts before I have caught up. I think I did a major clean up in March or there would have been another 1000. Now I feel somewhat philosophical. So much inspiration, so much angst and frustration among the success. I appreciate the honesty of writers but so many of us live a life battling against over-eating and too often success is short lived and before too much time it is back to square one, maybe older and wiser but still all that weight to lose and renewed efforts to improve health and silhouette. It is not always as encouraging or as motivating as one would like. At the same time there is always encouragement, In the midst of all these tests and trials none give up even if they contemplate it from time to time.
Recently I mentioned to a work-mate I was suffering from pre-Easter chocolate. Of course she was the wrong person to make such an admission to, being tall and svelte. Her reply mentioned Will Power and the chocolate that sits in her fridge one month to another. Hmmmm!. We are not all like that. I wonder what her vice is.
I don't know this Will Power. He doesn't live in my head or my heart. I understand self-discipline and that works in many areas of my life and sometimes around food but clearly not consistently.
I have been struggling to get past the knowledge that I must stop/change what I am doing. This has been going on for months and months. There have been a lot of things that made themselves enemy to my resolve to get my body healthy. I like to think that I have come to terms with all the things that make it difficult for me to lead a healthy life so it surprises me that I'm still unable to maintain a consistently healthy lifestyle.
Inside me is sadness and weeping, despair and disappointment, at the same time there is joy, love of life, excitement, planning and hope. I guess that's Life with a capital L. I have reason to make urgent changes. I ran out of excuses long ago. I go to bed dreaming of my healthy breakfast and get up and make a coffee full of sugar and eat toast laden with butter. I'm a fraud. I know all the answers and I practice none.
I've probably recorded some of the stuff elsewhere and I think it makes pretty boring reading but maybe it will help to get it off my chest.
What is my greatest disappointment?
Not one of my immediate family know and appreciate Jesus as their Saviour, Friend etc. That means I cannot share my faith with those closest to me and as the years have gone by I feel more and more isolated from people of faith. I miss my friends and Pastor who live 1 1/2 hour drive away. There is a closer church and people who are precious friends who live closer but none I feel the same closeness with. That is not to say they are not great people, just that I don't click with them the same way. I have been a 'Born Again' Christian for 35 years and to be alone in my family all that time is hard. I never dreamed I would walk such a long walk of faith on my own ... without TWJ. He is somewhat supportive of my faith but sees it as important as a good Club, not the reason for my life. I can handle that .... most of the time as my faith encourages me to trust my family to God and I lean hard on Jesus and the Biblical promises.
There is great sadness in our lives as each of our 4 children have brought different kinds of heartbreak. I'm not going into detail because their stories belong to them but suffice it to say that the fact that our middle son is a paraplegic is the least of our or my concerns. Again I would never stand or hold my head high if it were not for my faith and the comfort I have found there. No-one can tell me that God is not a person who cares for every one of us in a very personal way.
There is ... well I suppose it could be called stress. It breaks my heart to see Mum dying inch by inch. She keeps well ... within the limitations her worn out heart. In Feb. we took her out to lunch. I cannot imagine that we will do that again. Sunday we had a family afternoon tea with my brother and his wife, 4 grandchildren and two spouse, (or should that be spouses), and 2 great-grandchildren. She loves these times and has never admitted to exhaustion in front of family before. A week ago I took her for a drive around the town and new housing/canal areas. She begged to go home towards the end of an hour. This from the woman who loved to get out and about. Her routine goes like this .... Breakfast in bed with the newspaper, doing the crossword. Get up about 9.30 am or later, sometimes have a bath or shower before settling into her armchair by the window overlooking the beach. She then alternates between people/beach/sea watching, reading, eating her meals and nodding off. She still has a good life compared to many aging, frail people. Watching this slow deterioration is bad enough but add to that the responsibility of making sure there is someone available when she needs them is putting a strain on myself, TWJ and our daughter Jay. We badly need a complete break. Jay is getting hers by going to Turkey for 8 weeks we are getting ours by going to USA for 4 weeks. Unfortunately we will be away at the same time but one of my nieces will cover and hopefully my sister will make herself more useful.
I have only started talking about this recently .... It is very stressful waiting for Mum to die. Death is inevitable but no-one knows the hour or the day and I wouldn't want to. In the meantime we enjoy her as much as we can and keep her as healthy as we can. Mum is not always an easy person although she is generally kind and gentle. I once heard her described as gracious. But Mum is also becoming harder to please in some respects and her life becomes narrower everyday. Jay and I often do not feel appreciated but I guess that's par for the course when in a close relationship like this. We have made our plans to travel hoping that nothing happens to Mum while we are away because I don't think either of us will come home in an emergency or even if she dies. It's going to be hard to say goodbye when the day comes to leave for our trip. At least I can keep in touch by sending daily e-mails to our niece. I just need to work out the best way to use my own laptop in USA.
TWJ and I have 2 precious days, today & tomorrow, free this week. I spent today blobbing reading blogs as I said before. Tomorrow I feel more like doing something and then Wednesday it's back to Mum and I have a special lunch to prepare for friends who are traveling up to see us. I will be lucky to get much time to talk with them as Mum hogs the limelight. On Saturday one of my cousins visited, the one I am closest to in age and we are childhood playmates. We rarely see each other and had so much to catch up with but I had to take a back seat to Mum. I know JG was as disappointed as me that we didn't get a chance to get even 1/2 hour on our own. I'd hoped we'd get a chance for a walk on the beach together but suddenly it was time for me to get ready for work and that was that.
I started work again on Thursday after 3 weeks laid up with a painful back strain after slipping over. It was good to be back earning. I still love my job. The interaction with staff and customers, the occasional joke and some silly annoyances. I knew this job was good for me. As business slowed down on Sunday evening the was even time to joke and a few laughs. I'm pleased that both my back, still a little tender, and my shoulders, (intra-scapular area), survived with out any signs of more trouble.
I'm not sure how I would have got through the last few months if we hadn't been planning our trip to USA. TWJ have had so much fun working out possibilities. I think I'll put our probable itinerary in another post and if anyone reading finds we are in their vicinity and would like to meet with us for a brief lunch or coffee you will be able to leave a message in comments. We still have 3 important things to do. 1. book our accommodation in San Fransisco for the first 2 nights in USA. 2. book our rental car for the 33 days we need it. 4. Purchase our travel insurance. We expect to do all these things before the end of April.
This time in 9 weeks we will be waiting in Auckland Airport for our flight to be called. 9 weeks to lose some of the weight I need to get off ASAP so I can at least sit with some comfort in the plane. It's getting scary as I don't seem to get more than a day at a time eating to lose weight then I'm distracted and eating badly. Forget exercise ... My physio must be ready to give up on me. There's still time but not enough time to reach my 85kg goal. No more time to fluff around. I have the incentive but I'm not confident. I hope I will be back tomorrow. Does that sound negative ..... no realistic. Life happens ... never can tell where the next challenge will come from.