I lost the plot sometime in September. 4 months and I've put on so much of the weight I lost that I'm over 100kg. That's all it took. I began seriously to lose weight on Jan. 15th 2007. For over 6 months I kept to the program and it worked well as I lost more than 20 kg. We were away on our own, away from Mum and family responsibilities most of that time. We came home to a some changes to our life-style and gradually my weight crept up but I did manage to keep under 100kg until recently. The combination of working and being around for Mum finally got to me. Getting flu was probably the last straw. I have done some bizarre things in the last few months, helped along by the Christmas excesses.
One day I opened a 500gm/1+ lb box of chocolates and ate the lot ... it did take me 3 days to eat them all but it didn't make me sick of the sight of them as I'd secretly hoped it might. I suppose that is my equivalent of going on a booze bender. I have found it increasingly difficult to cope at work. A combination of unhealthy eating, poor sleeping, upper back pain, heat, (there is no air conditioning at work), and heavier work load with all the summer visitors led to something I called survival mode but it has only tightened a vicious and foolish circle. I am using coffee and coca cola for the caffeine hit and painkillers like ibuprofen to get through each shift.
The simple answer would be for me to stop working but we need the extra income and we do have our partly payed for Alaskan Cruise at the end of June. I am working on an itinerary now so that I can book flights. I'm not willing to give this up. It is my carrot on a stick.
I am trying to change the way I do things.
1. there are no chocolates in the house although there are a few other things that I would be better without. The plan is to only have food in the house that makes it easier for me to manage my weight.
2. I finally went to a chiropractor because the pain became unmanageable. After one visit I can see some improvement but I'm not sure about being able to complete my 7 hour shift tomorrow. I had to go home early last Sat. I am getting some long standing kinks in my back sorted. Stuff that I wasn't even aware of.
3. I am going to start walking again using the about.com program.
4. I am never going to diet again but I am going to learn how to manage my weight.
5. I am going to accept that some foods are not advantageous to managing my weight so will be either off the menu or very occasional foods.
6. I am going to accept that some foods are trigger foods and therefore are eliminated for a season. ..... maybe 6 months, maybe 12 months, maybe forever.
7. I have two specific goals. To be able to walk a half marathon before June 15th and to weigh less than 85kg. The last is very important if I am to feel comfortable without buying new clothes for our trip.
Now I've got that off my chest let me record some thoughts.
It is sad that in my 70th year I still have not stopped the yo-yo dieting. I have not found a way to stop myself from using food for comfort and any other way you like to mention. Late last year I found myself trying to get back onto the program/life-style that brings me well-being and enables me to lose at least 1kg per week. I found myself battling, in a half-hearted way, some very negative thoughts. I was simply sick and tired of always having to be aware of what I eat and turn down some luscious foods for the sake of my health. I began to think .... "Why should I still be doing this at my age." I couldn't see that all the weight I'd lost made me feel or look any better. All I could see was wrinkly skin and I was still fat, old and not very fit. My blood pressure had not reduced so I was questioning the benefits of my weight loss.
Two weeks ago I had to take the safety pins out of my pants/work trousers. There are quite a few things I cannot wear, there are more things which are becoming uncomfortable. I am aware of my belly fat and I am lumbering or waddling along, struggling with increasing pain in some joints.
Why did I fail? I had begun to take for granted the benefits of losing weight and I had stopped feeling pride in my achievements. It was as though all my efforts had been in vain so why bother to continue, especially as it was proving difficult to get back into the mode of healthy living.
I have coined a phrase for my current goal.
I am learning to Manage My Weight
It's not new but it feels fresh to me and it is honest. Everyone has to manage their weight. Some do it unconsciously but most people have to do it deliberately. It drives me crazy when I hear a slim person saying they will have to walk off that piece of cake or turn down some delight because they do not want to eat so much sugar ..... They are only telling the truth and being honest with themselves ... I just wish they would keep it to themselves instead of sounding 'holier than thou.'
So .... I too will have to learn to deliberately manage my weight by eating and drinking and exercising in a way that not only promotes good health and well-being but helps me recover my ideal/goal weight.