The sun shone in a blue sky with hardly a cloud to be seen. I had a wonderful Sunday with friends and TWJ & I came home to sleep in our own bed.
Recently I was asked if I saw my relationship with food as an addiction. My response was/is yes. Then somewhere I wrote that I believe it was related to a hidden death wish. It was only about 15 years ago that I found the root of the death wish and received much healing through prayer/counselling. God helped me in a singular fashion through dreams, opportune meetings with friends, a letter ..... and so on. My story was validated and as far as I was concerned I was free as I could ever be of the damaging past.
Reading Blogs, as I have mentioned, has given me a freedom to discover or become aware of stuff I have squished down to the point of denial. Other people's writing has triggered thought processes. The initial trauma was obviously such a shock that even now I have no physical memory but a sense of something bad and a few mental, vague, dreamlike images. About 30 years ago I spoke to a friend who is a gifted Christian Counsellor about my struggle with weight/over-eating and he immediately asked what had happened at about age 8. To my knowledge nothing too spectacular except that we moved from what was for me the security of a small farming community where we had lived on my grandfather's farm and I went to a little school where there was a family connection with the teacher. Our move was not something I was happy with. I disliked living in town even though we were on the outskirts with farm behind the house, but it was different and instead of a two teacher school this was larger with all grades from 5 to 18years and I never felt as though I fitted in. After Ian had prayed for me I felt so different. I was so happy and food had no special interest for me ..... for what now seems like a nano-second.
A fresh insight was given me about 15 years ago when I questioned some of the things that were happening in our children's lives. I was puzzled that children from a secure family life should have so many serious problems, mostly in the area of sexuality. This is an area I rarely speak about except with one or two trusted friends because I have no intention of exposing my family. As I questioned I began to have weird impressions that someone had abused me. None of this made sense. I knew the character of all my relatives. I had a safe, good, happy relationship with all my parents friends. I was the beloved, the eldest granddaughter of an eldest daughter of an eldest daughter of an eldest daughter, in a family that respected women and affirmed them.
One night I woke up with thoughts running through my mind that had to be written down. I wrote as fast as they came and the gist of it was that at one time my mother had been very unwell with 4 children to look after so my parents engaged a live-in housekeeper. Remember we lived in the country, miles from town, no bus service and not many people had cars. A woman had abused me. I was shocked but a whole lot of things began to make sense. Even so I still sometimes struggle with this, battling the idea that it is just a phantom memory with no real substance. Then I am reminded of all the emotional & relationship healings that have come as a result and decide if it is a fantasy the healings are indeed real. A very difficult period followed as I began to accept the possibility of being abused. I was really frightened at times that I was loosing my marbles.
One thing that kept me in a state of acceptance was a remarkable change in my attitude to my mother. I had been, even as an adult, angry, not comfortable with her. Suddenly I discovered that she was not the cause of my hurt and the anger fell off and we began to have a totally different relationship .... more like a mother/daughter friendship. Something that had been previously impossible. It was an inner thing for me and I knew it was not something I could have engineered. It could only have come from some kind of inner healing given by God.
But I still had an eating problem. Inner healing did not remove this problem although now I understood why I had this death wish and why eating myself to death was another kind of suicide. Recently, last week in fact, I became aware that the death wish stemmed from a form of escapism which has been with me for as long as I can remember. I could not wait to go to Boarding School and escape living under the same roof as my mother ..... I loved my home and my parents, who were essentially good people who did everything to the best they could and loved us dearly, but there was always this strong anti-Mum thing going on in me. Later I messed up every job and career opportunity I had. It was as though I could not help shooting myself in the foot. Maybe I thought I didn't deserve to succeed and I certainly had no appreciation of my intelligence and abilities. This came with a sense of wonder after becoming a Christian and letting God restore my life, bringing it into line with his plan for me. An ongoing process.
Marrying the first man to be interested in me was another escape ..... this time a wise one because in spite of all the difficulties we have he has lovingly, kindly given me space to grow, to be weird, to be a screaming hyena one minute and a wonderful woman the next. In spite of his bewilderment he has stood by me giving unconditional love most of the time. I am very blessed by him even though there are times when he drives me crazy and I no doubt drive him crazy.
Over the ensuing years I have battled this desire to run away, out of my marriage, out of whatever circumstance and so it has gone on with only a strong hand holding me firm. The presence of God, the teachings of the Bible, knowledge of Christ in my heart, a strong sense of staying true to my responsibilities and the 'intelligent' knowledge that running away solves nothing.
On Sunday when our Pastor invited those who wanted prayer ministry to come forward I was there first. I did my best to explain that there was this escapism thing going on without going into into lengthy detail. He asked another woman to pray with me and together we came against all the negative influences and prayed for fresh life. One thing I need to continually remember is to not allow this running away thing linger when things get rough. I am to run into Jesus. Simple but profound. They also prayed for a release from a heavy yoke, like a shroud of disappointment over me.
I then sat quietly meditating on what had been prayed over me and began to have a picture of myself, a little girl, tied and restricted, trying desperately to escape but there was no escape. As I sat I kept saying over and over I run to you Jesus, I come to you. Finally there was comfort and it was as though the bonds no longer mattered. If you are still reading and do not understand what was going on .... well I'm not sure either but it was all good. I stood to join with the people having lunch and felt ALIVE I also felt about 20 kg lighter. That felt pretty good too.
It was a wonder I even got to Church. I only went because a friend from Whitianga, who normally goes with her husband asked me to take her because her husband was away and it was a special Sunday to celebrate Pastor Murray's birthday. I have been finding it too difficult to go to Pauanui since we began working on Sunday afternoons. Pauanui Christian Fellowship is my Home Church but I have to allow more than an hour for the drive each way.
We had a beautiful day. The kind you want to repeat over and over. A brilliant blue sky, hardly a cloud showing off all the fresh greens of spring. After all the wet and cloudy days it was specially turned on for us. I left Mum's about 8.45 am, picked up my friend, arrived in Pauanui early enough to have coffee before Church. Immediately we went into the Church we felt the presence of God and it was wonderful seeing friends. I was delighted to catch up with people from Auckland, Matamata & Tauranga who were there to celebrate too. We left about 1.30 pm which gave us time to stop at Colenso, a lovely country roadside Cafe with all the panache of the city; elegant in a lavender garden & citrus orchard. More coffee and I ate a huge wedge of very deliciously scumptious pavlova. Layers of crisp meringue, whipped cream and raspberries with coulis. I don't get to go there very often now so I went to the thing I most desire but usually avoid because of it's sugar content. My friend gave me a contribution toward petrol which I promptly spent on a fun ring to commemorate a day that seemed so significant. I arrived home with 10 minutes to change for work and clocked in on the dot.
I was high. High as a kite. High in the Spirit of God, high on caffeine too probably and I had a ball at work. Those who don't know me could have been excused for thinking I'd been on the bottle. In the midst of this high I asked a co-worker & neighbour to dinner for Monday night. I knew his wife was away and he was working a full day and we are back at Matarangi for 2 nights so seemed a very good opportunity, a nice thing to do.
Monday reality .... I was not so full of energy but not quite a dead duck. I stooged through the day getting laundry done but was too tired to care about tidying up our cluttered muddle. The piles keep growing when we have so little time at home and coming home is also time to get some rest ... build up for the next set of demands on our poor bodies. I had no food in the freezer except frozen berries, veges and some pizza bases. I decided to buy some salsa and camembert and make pizza followed by Eton Mess a mixture of meringue, whipped cream and berries. The little shop had no meringue and only mild salsa. Somehow I put together a meal. The men drank Guiness, (beer), P. doesn't eat dessert so I did extra frozen/sir-fry veges and some button mushrooms. I should have been highly embarrassed ... I was a little. We have never had this man in our home and I ask him to dinner. There is so much clutter I had to move a pile of stuff on the kitchen counter just so I could serve, the table was so cluttered we sat on the couch, the meal was very pedestrian and TWJ had just told me the man had been a chef on P&O cruise ships and for Air NZ. He didn't seem to mind but he can cook next time and I'll make sure I've got all my ducks in a row before I ask him around again. I love hosting but I seem to make such a hash of it these days. *giggle*
So that's been my last 2 days and now I need to do something in the house. We go back to Mum's this afternoon. Not sure how long for this time but probably until Sunday night.
I haven't done a very good job food wise the last 2 days but it hasn't been a huge disaster either. I still have to work at eating right and building up my walking again. Breaking good habits means I need to work hard to set them back in place. It doesn't come naturally to me anymore than the house tidies itself up. ****