Monday, 8 September 2008


This was in my email. One of my sons has bought himself a vintage Dodge. Oh My!

Last night one of my friends asked me to take her to church at Pauanui, our home church and a 1 hour plus drive, on Sunday because it is the pastor's birthday. This is a very small fellowship and we are all close friends. I have to persuade TWJ that I can manage this and still be back in time to go to work in the afternoon. The same friend also told me a six week course begins in town tomorrow night & it sounds like something I would enjoy and benefit from. When I told TWJ I realised that I have stopped doing things partly because he doesn't want me to go. I have become a 'prisoner' to his lack of interest. I must nip this in the bud right now and take some control over this aspect of my life. I've been pretty passive for a long time. I cannot let this go on. He says he has my best interest at heart and maybe he does but I am dying inside for lack of good fellowship.

I have been praying about this off and on and now I have a reason to stand firm.

The last couple of years have been tough emotionally. Our life style caring for Mum and the resulting living circumstances have their difficulties. That alone was enough to cope with but then something else quite unrelated to Mum happened in December 2006. Somehow I worked my way through and even lost weight during the following year. But by December last year I had to admit it was all too much and agreed with my Dr. I was depressed and needed help. I was on antidepressant for about 9 months and it felt so good but I knew I was putting off dealing with a residue of hurt. I've been off the antidepressant more than a month, I am now gluten free and caffeine free. My head feels clearer and I need to make my own decisions instead of just letting things pass me by because TWJ is'nt interested. Part of being healthy is keeping up with friends.

It's really weird how I feel about this. I am a strong person and there are times when I dumb myself down for the sake of our marriage and TWJ's ego. That is not healthy. No matter how much I love him I need to be myself. Bending myself to fit in with him is fine but not when it turns me into someone I am not. I can't change him and I don't want to but I can live my own life.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I am on the verge of beginning Lean For Life.
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