Sunday, August 17, 2008


I am so behind with my Google Reader. It was too time consuming on the odd opportunities I had to use Jay's slow as connection so there has been a huge accumulation. I've added a few more as well so it all takes time as being the 'perfectionist' I am, I want to read each Blog from the beginning. No wonder I don't have much time to read books as well at the moment. I'm also trying to leave a comment when I get to the most recent post so it might be a while before I get to you.

I also noticed on someone's sidebar that I haven't posted for 2 days. I really didn't feel like writing ... that's what happens when you only have a few hours sleep.

I've had 3 bad nights in a row, last night the worst. There seems to be no reason. I've cut back on caffeine, I've gone to bed at a reasonable hour and fallen asleep quite quickly. Then I wake between 1 & 2pm and toss, feel itchy, and try all the known & unknown remedies to go back to sleep without further disturbing TWJ. The last 2 nights I ended up getting up in disgust, making a hot drink and reading. My brain is scrambled and I don't have much energy so sometimes it takes a while to respond, write, blog, comment. It's a phase and will pass but most annoying when there seems to be no rhyme nor reason.

I'm quite relaxed, nothing much to worry me. Life is chugging along, there are no major dramas or changes. Maybe that's what's missing. I'm not used to life without big-stuff going on. My only anxieties, if that's what you call them, are so long standing that I live with them. TWJ & I are on different planets spiritually, as I seem to be with most of my family. I walk a very lonely road with God in that sense but that's not new, nor does it distress me on a day to day basis. I am aware that it limits me in some ways but my faith in God is that He placed me in this family and He has given all men freedom of choice so I can do no less. My walk with God is personal and not dependent on my environment although I'm sure that it is better when husband and wife walk together spiritually. I have a flame of hope that this day will come and that flame cannot be extinguished. Sometimes this becomes unbearable but I don't feel stressed by it so what is waking me up?

Am I not listening to God? Years ago, when my children were young and my days consumed with child-care I woke regularly in the early hours to read my Bible, pray and meditate. Perhaps God is calling me to this time again and I am ignoring the call. Is it too much to ask me to pick up my Bible again instead of my laptop or a sudoku puzzle? I think not.

Changes I have made recently include ...... gluten-free for several days, no coffee after 3 pm and now God time in the early hours. That would be a major but it would be the best change yet. I have found it really hard to have God time since TWJ retired nearly 6 years ago. Early on in his retirement I depended of fellowship with friends, going to Church and other meetings. The last few years, since selling the BackPacker Hostel in Tairua 4 years ago, this kind of support has gradually been stripped from me until now it is minimal. If I was talking to someone else I would tell them, 'That is a good thing, because now you have to be more dependent on God.' But I haven't taken my own advice so far. I've heard it niggling away in the background and over-ridden it with other things. I don't think I can ignore the call any longer.

I wonder what will happen tonight!

1 comment:

kate said...

hi margieanne

im not a religious person but i say that you need to embrace your religion and spirituality again :) maybe you need to dig a bit deeper inside yourself and find a way to connect to what you loved doing in the past- that you havent been able to do much since the years have gone by?

p.s. can you tell me a bit more about the backpackers hostel? you have a way with words and having backpacked myself its always interesting to hear stories :)