I spent a little bit of time over the last few days thinking about our trip to Nth. America and the Alaskan Cruise. Of course it is all hypothetical at present but I plan to register for the Cruise very soon. Maybe after next pay day but depends on how urgent the car replacement becomes. It only costs $USD200 to register and we lose that if we bail out but the balance can be paid in installments if I wish. It is the airfares and the various other costs involved that are scary. TWJ will be annoyed if I register too soon but we can get an 3 x upgrade to a real cool seaview cabin with balcony looking out over the bow of the ship if we get our registration in sooner rather than later.
I keep dreaming about how neat it would be to have time to meet friends in California, take Canadian Rail over the Rockies from Vancouver to Toronto. Have a few days in Toronto and visit the church I love so much via the internet http://www.tacf.org/ I want to go everywhere man!
I want to see our friends Tenessee & Las Vegas too, and go to New Orleans where friends are still helping people re-establish after Katrina and I want to go to Auburndale, between Orlando & Tampa in Florida where there is a major healing revival going on in one of the churches. http://www.freshfire.ca/
I can spend all day and night dreaming. TWJ wants to hire a Campervan so we can travel across country but we would need to do a lot of flying as well to cover all bases. Probably unrealistic this time as we are still committed to seeing that Mum is properly cared for so cannot stay away for more than a few weeks.
Meantime there are more immediate things to think about too. About 9 or 10 months ago I began to have a problem with something TWJ said. It went something like this .... "you are shrinking so much there won't be anything to hold onto soon." I know it was a joking way to offer encouragement but it felt like a backhanded compliment. This is not the first time I have had an underlying bad reaction to something like this from TWJ. I didn't like it and have had it tucked away in the back of my mind ever since and it pops out every now and then much to my annoyance. I can't help wondering about my negative reaction. He meant it to be friendly, even encouraging and I have it stuck in my head as exceedingly negative. It has nothing to do with whether I really am getting skinnier or whether or not he finds me bony. It does have everything to do with why the comment made me angry and I cannot put a tag on it and put it completely to bed. There have been a few other comments over the years from friends who meant well, and not necessarily weight related, and I backed off from the relationship. Did I feel mocked? Yes I think I did and still do. It's just another form of teasing even if inadvertent or innocently meant but it is having deeper more serious and long lasting effects.
Now I need to go for a walk to get this out of my system because I will not be hindered by such stupid games with my head and emotions and my spirit. Ever since TWJ said this I have struggled to maintain my weightloss and get on with finishing the job. Do I blame him? Of course not! But I took something on board that hinders me and it is time to let whatever it is to go.