Monday, 17 March 2008


I really should have the light out as it's nearly 11 pm. We left home at 7.30am this morning and I jumped out of the car at Mum's while Os, our daughter's partner jumped into my hot seat so TWJ could take him to work. We had passed Jay on her way to Coromandel.

I have been up & down the stairs a dozen times today to get Mum her cups of tea, her lunch and cook dinner. I would dash up, do what needed doing and run down again so I could continue reading a few more pages from Leenie's Blog starting in 2004. I'm now into 2005. It is wonderful to read about the changes in her life as she progresses toward her healthy weight goal & fitness and she is so bubbly, bouncy I think she might call herself.

I feel so tired it is amazing to me to realise that some people bubble over with energy. I don't want to make excuses because I don't think I've ever had that kind of passion for life but then that just might be because I do not feel it now. I do know that my life changed dramatically in 1975 when I was pregnant wih our youngest child. For a long time I thought it was to do with body changes during pregnancy even though this was completely different to anything I'd experienced with the previous ones. Our youngest son was about 5 years old when a Dr. told me I had ME. I began to learn some things about food intolerance, pacing myself and light but regular exercise, and somehow most of the ME symptoms went away over the next few years. But I never again had the same level of energy as I'd had previously and I learned try to always keep something in reserve. To my dismay I found some of the old fatigue symptoms rearing their ugly heads as I approached my 60s.

As I've been following the Lean For Life program off and on over the last few years I think I have seen a pattern of food intolerance for either wheat or maybe just gluten. I can eat the stuff but if I eat it regularly, and I really enjoy a good hunk of bread & butter, before long I have stomach pains, muscle fatigue and pain that feels like crippling arthritis, great weariness, crankiness and blah, blah, blah.

We have also had a few family issues, some quite devastating, over the last 15 years and lots of stress. Twice have reached the point where I knew I was in a very rocky place. The first time, probably '97 I asked my Dr, about antidepressants. To me that felt like a huge failure on my part but I knew I had reached a place I couldn't pull myself out of without help. The same thing happened again more recently but my Dr. picked up on the depression and offered me medication. I refused the first offer. That was December 2006. TWJ and I were heading away on our own for a month or so and I hoped that would give me some breathing space. We walked into an even more difficult situation and I gained about 8 kg in a month. Well that's what it felt like.

The good news was that somehow I still followed my plan to get onto the Lean For Life Program early in 2007. I did that starting in January and somehow lost an average of 1 kg per week for over 6 months, possibly because we stayed away from home. We came home in June. Ever since I have struggled to stay on program because I haven't coped well with our being on call to care for Mum. In December I realised I was in trouble with the depression and my Dr. agreed I needed antidepressants so I take Fluox. Goodness knows how TWJ, The Wonderful John, puts up with me. I must have been horrible to live with. I have noticed that there are almost no bad words and anger between us since the medication kicked in. But I think there is also a cost. I sometimes wonder If I am dumbed down emotionally. All I know is that our marriage was in deep trouble and I was constantly looking for ways to end it yet knowing that this was not the right answer. I was so desperately unhappy, imaginably unhappy. Now I can enjoy being with him again.

It will be our 45th Wedding Anniversary on the 30th March. I've asked TWJ to choose how we should celebrate. It seems that I always make the decision, which of course looks as though I have to have my own way. I've tried to get him to make decisions like this in the past and we've ended up doing nothing & I get grumpy. This time I am determined not to plan anything because it must be his choice. I've given him plenty of warning and I'm going to prime our daughter so that she reminds him to think about it.

We are staying here at Mum's for 3 nights then we will be back home for Easter while my brother's family take care of Mum. She's not helpless but does need someone to see that she gets drinks and meals regularly as sometimes she is too tired, with heart problems to get up and look after herself. Right now she seems to be in a really well phase, due to adjustments and additions to her medication. Today I got her breakfast in bed then she got up and bathed and put on her washing which TWJ hung out. She has spent most of the day on a couch or in her chair with her feet up doing puzzles, reading and having the odd sleep. We want to do the best we can for her as her life winds down. She will be 93 in 6 weeks and it is a great privilege to be able to keep her in her own home.

Jay, our daughter and Mum's main care giver, isn't sure where she is going to stay at Easter yet. We were hoping she would stay in Whagamata where she is on call. (She's a Community or District Nurse). I guess it will sort itself out by Thursday.

Today I've pretty much kept to my planned menu except that my dinner should really have been grilled fish but to fit in with family I had roast lamb with brussels sprouts and could not resist a piece each of the roasted onion, pumpkin & carrot, not to mention the mint sauce. Still I did not overeat. It's just that if I keep to the planned menu I might lose 5 kg over the first 2 weeks and that gives me a good boost to get stuck into the rest of this weight loss journey.

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